Are you the "one" people come to for peace, understanding, advice, structure, deadlines, shoulders to cry, ears to listen, ridin or dyin, reeling it in, speaking truth in love etc OR like me have you been that for people because it's "emotionally safer"?
Well the time is now (I say as I tap myself on the shoulder and slap myself in the face with all the advice and love space I've given to others) to reach out and get "coached".
For those who may be randomly reading this blog or just don't know because I've been "emotionally safe", I want to be a spiritual life counselor/coach. I've "known" this for about six years now. In 2006, I broke a three-inch thick board with my hand after doing a visualization exercise. I had to write my ideal role on one side of the board and my perceived and actual barriers on the opposite side. The confirmation came as I broke the board and felt the Holy Spirit and all the Universe's energy pushing/encouraging me. It was an amazing experience.
SIDE BAR: If you don't believe you can have encounters with the Holy Spirit without the "church" environment/people, I would encourage you to explore readings about experiencing God in everyday life. There are actually quite a few biblical references to God/angels/Jesus speaking to/having encounters with ordinary people in their ordinary, everyday life. I am reading a book entitled The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything: A Spirituality for Real Life right now and I am sure if you google this topic you will find other resources as well.
So the question is WHY, after that experience, has it taken me six years to move on this? Although excuses are idle tools, I allowed life to happen (relationship, marriage, baby, job change, ANOTHER baby AND ANOTHER job change, which ironically put me back in the same place/similar job where I had my confirmation...wow!) and I moved it to the back burner.
Ok, ok, that really doesn't answer the question (I was made for this coaching thing...please forgive me, this blog came to me while I was making lunch...I am typing and thinking at the same time..LOL). Keeping with my truth and speaking the truth in love to myself...The TRUTH is that in all the coaching and counseling I have done/do with others, I had not ALLOWED OTHERS TO LOVE ME in the same way. I know you might be like whoa, whoa we're talking about coaching right? However, if you suffer from the "issue/insecurity" I talked about in the intro to this post, I can tell you unequivocally that you've prevented the Universe (through people's encouraging/coaching) from loving you.
As I type this my eyes and heart are filling with tears (again I apologize, this is a spontaneous post). I realize in this very moment by not seeking out and allowing good people to assist me in this journey, I have not been allowing God to love/guide me - the same love He's shown me a million times before...the same encouragement the Holy Spirit and Universe had shown me when I broke the board six years ago.
I think my revelation/reality check came as I was having an unrelated conversation with a colleague (and now mentor :-)). As we were talking about some joint programming we were planning to do, she mentioned a contact who might serve as a good speaker because she was a life coach. I randomly mentioned that I had an interest in becoming a spiritual life coach. She gave me that perplexed look that people who "know" me have given because I had withheld this information. She spoke some very encouraging words to me that I have heard many times before about "that making a lot of sense knowing me". So of course she asked me what I had been doing to bring this to fruition and I answered truthfully - very little. She began to give me information and advice and contacts. I assume she could tell by the look on my face that something was not quite sitting well with me (she was correct - partly because I am an internal processer AND partly because I had that uncomfortable feeling produced from not feeling emotionally safe. In my Resolutions post, I reference a book entitled Changes that Heal, which talks about this concept). She laughed and told me how she felt sort of silly telling ME (the career counselor, advice giver, encourager, task master etc) this stuff. I was moved to be transparent with her...it was time. I humbly opened up to her by saying "even those who coach, need coaching".
Now that I have purged, my logic is asking "Now why did you write this again?" Yes for purging but also for accountability. I am a firm believer that writing something - making it tangible - holds us accountable, if to no one else, to ourselves. Also as my blog description states, I am all about guiding purpose...I was made for it (I like the sound of that :-)). I go through, not just for me, but for you. I can even go as far as to ask you to substitute any word you like for "coach" ie. ..those who support, need supporting; ...those who love, need loving; those who give, need giving (to) etc. It is time to accept it AND to seek it out. Yes it's scary (very), but it is necessary to be fully who you were intended to be.
So NOW I have deadlines set, contacts to connect with and one meeting already set up (YAY me!). I appreciate all who have allowed me to use their ears to listen and have spoke the truth in love to me. I accept!!!!
Guiding life's purpose and finding mine in the process. Beginning with me...sharing with others.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
It IS finished
Over the weekend I was keeping my promise to myself and writing at least one post, however I kept getting stopped (mentally) in writing it. I guess my spirit was telling me there is something more pressing and "right now" that i should address. I was talking with a friend about deadlines and time-lines a while ago and had an idea to write a post about it with the same title, however life/revelation happened and another blog along the same vein came to fruition.
SIDE BAR: This blogging thing is hard for me as I am still trying to reconcile writing when life/revelations happen directly to me, through me to others or directly to others AND writing posts as a writer (meaning constantly having a flow of weekly/biweekly posts on topics of interest). As I work through that my blog might become a hodge podge of both until my true voice/perspective blooms.
I have a friend who recently found out that his ex had some sort of intimate encounter with his friend (kiss or more has not yet been determined - but not really relevant). They had been on and off for five years and were currently off but obvious he was still the VERY hurt by the situation. Fast forward a few days and he is working on himself (great), refocus his attention on his spirit and making sure his life is in order (again great). We know that God works things out for our good, however that is not the focus of this post.
He said something that made me pause and reflect..."I think it is still meant for me to marry her, so I need to work on my issues" Now, I am an reconciliation advocate. ANYONE who knows me well knows that I will advise someone to TRY and work things out before walking away from a situation...HOWEVER (big, big, big however), I believe that we sometimes do some detrimental things when we are AFRAID to let things be finished. Yes I said afraid!
Sometimes when we think we are being caring, understanding, being the better person, the "if I don't who will" person, "turning the other cheek" or the "I did things wrong too/i am broken" person, we are really staying because we are afraid of letting go. And often times that is fueled by the guilt of our own shortcomings. If a relationship is truly broken (as this one obvious is right now) then we CANNOT fix it or ourselves while in it. Let me explain, many times we want to work on fixing ourselves while staying in the very situation(s) that is (are) aggravating our brokenness to begin with. Some may say but they were broken up. Yea, yea but there is a big difference between "not focusing on" something and truly letting it go. He had not let go of the situation he just repressed, wasn't dealing, focused on work etc. He was still emotionally invested thus why they have been going back and forth for five years.
I asked him to explain and he talked about how he was selfish (is..lol), lacks good communication skills in his close, personal relationships (yes) and is hard to love (un huh). He talked about how he has apologized to her about his shortcomings and she has accepted, however he knows he has hurt her.
He is probably very correct in his assessment, HOWEVER (another big big big however) this does not equate to stay...that only equates to needing to forgive HIMSELF. Not sure if I will convey this next point well but here is it (share your thoughts if you think otherwise or have a better way of expressing it :-)). The ups and downs (our issues/brokenness that we all bring to relationships) in their relationship (any relationship/friendship) DOES NOT give her (anyone) a pass to "hook up" with his friend (uncaringly, selfishly hurt you). Someone that TRULY cares/cared about you at any point, would not do that to you PERIOD! It seemed as though he was "making excuses" for her behavior because he didn't want to let go (I think he felt this way too).
I have seen this in other friends as well as they navigate relationships and friendships. That FEAR of letting go - the work, the hurt, the continuing to feel "some kind a way" about the person, their life, what they are saying/doing on facebook/twitter/listservs etc, the process of detoxing.
Some people believe it is easy to let go, but o to the contrary especially when you have not reconciled your issues in general...it will always come back to "was this my fault"? The guilt of how you treated that person or others (if you are not being introspective, seeking therapy and working on self) can serve as a crutch for staying.
We must be ok with letting go, working on ourselves and THEN if it is meant to reconcile then great. I am telling you once you are done with working on your healing and focusing on your purpose it will be VERY clear whether reconciliation is the appropriate course and you will be at total peace (i smile in my heart when I think about the peace that comes from knowing God has directed/is directing you) with it.
Now will they get back together (will you reconcile), who knows BUT what I DO know is that FOR NOW..IT IS FINISHED (and that IS ok).
RESOURCE UPDATE...1.25.12
I was talking to a friend about an assignment she had to do for class regarding forgiveness. In her search to find forgivenss rituals, she came across one that she shared with me and I thought it would be a GREAT ressource addition to this post. Although I mentioned a variety of elements that prevent us from believe it IS finished, forgiveness might be the most hindering. I believe this to be so because it MAY require us to forgive another without their help or without closure from them. Also to truly do work on ourselves, we must forgive those who may have hurt us and forgive ourselves for continuing to dwell on the hurt.
So hopefully this resource will start you on the forgiveness/healing journey toward setting healthy boundaries in your life
Healing Ritual "Forgiveness"
SIDE BAR: This blogging thing is hard for me as I am still trying to reconcile writing when life/revelations happen directly to me, through me to others or directly to others AND writing posts as a writer (meaning constantly having a flow of weekly/biweekly posts on topics of interest). As I work through that my blog might become a hodge podge of both until my true voice/perspective blooms.
I have a friend who recently found out that his ex had some sort of intimate encounter with his friend (kiss or more has not yet been determined - but not really relevant). They had been on and off for five years and were currently off but obvious he was still the VERY hurt by the situation. Fast forward a few days and he is working on himself (great), refocus his attention on his spirit and making sure his life is in order (again great). We know that God works things out for our good, however that is not the focus of this post.
He said something that made me pause and reflect..."I think it is still meant for me to marry her, so I need to work on my issues" Now, I am an reconciliation advocate. ANYONE who knows me well knows that I will advise someone to TRY and work things out before walking away from a situation...HOWEVER (big, big, big however), I believe that we sometimes do some detrimental things when we are AFRAID to let things be finished. Yes I said afraid!
Sometimes when we think we are being caring, understanding, being the better person, the "if I don't who will" person, "turning the other cheek" or the "I did things wrong too/i am broken" person, we are really staying because we are afraid of letting go. And often times that is fueled by the guilt of our own shortcomings. If a relationship is truly broken (as this one obvious is right now) then we CANNOT fix it or ourselves while in it. Let me explain, many times we want to work on fixing ourselves while staying in the very situation(s) that is (are) aggravating our brokenness to begin with. Some may say but they were broken up. Yea, yea but there is a big difference between "not focusing on" something and truly letting it go. He had not let go of the situation he just repressed, wasn't dealing, focused on work etc. He was still emotionally invested thus why they have been going back and forth for five years.
I asked him to explain and he talked about how he was selfish (is..lol), lacks good communication skills in his close, personal relationships (yes) and is hard to love (un huh). He talked about how he has apologized to her about his shortcomings and she has accepted, however he knows he has hurt her.
He is probably very correct in his assessment, HOWEVER (another big big big however) this does not equate to stay...that only equates to needing to forgive HIMSELF. Not sure if I will convey this next point well but here is it (share your thoughts if you think otherwise or have a better way of expressing it :-)). The ups and downs (our issues/brokenness that we all bring to relationships) in their relationship (any relationship/friendship) DOES NOT give her (anyone) a pass to "hook up" with his friend (uncaringly, selfishly hurt you). Someone that TRULY cares/cared about you at any point, would not do that to you PERIOD! It seemed as though he was "making excuses" for her behavior because he didn't want to let go (I think he felt this way too).
I have seen this in other friends as well as they navigate relationships and friendships. That FEAR of letting go - the work, the hurt, the continuing to feel "some kind a way" about the person, their life, what they are saying/doing on facebook/twitter/listservs etc, the process of detoxing.
Some people believe it is easy to let go, but o to the contrary especially when you have not reconciled your issues in general...it will always come back to "was this my fault"? The guilt of how you treated that person or others (if you are not being introspective, seeking therapy and working on self) can serve as a crutch for staying.
We must be ok with letting go, working on ourselves and THEN if it is meant to reconcile then great. I am telling you once you are done with working on your healing and focusing on your purpose it will be VERY clear whether reconciliation is the appropriate course and you will be at total peace (i smile in my heart when I think about the peace that comes from knowing God has directed/is directing you) with it.
Now will they get back together (will you reconcile), who knows BUT what I DO know is that FOR NOW..IT IS FINISHED (and that IS ok).
RESOURCE UPDATE...1.25.12
I was talking to a friend about an assignment she had to do for class regarding forgiveness. In her search to find forgivenss rituals, she came across one that she shared with me and I thought it would be a GREAT ressource addition to this post. Although I mentioned a variety of elements that prevent us from believe it IS finished, forgiveness might be the most hindering. I believe this to be so because it MAY require us to forgive another without their help or without closure from them. Also to truly do work on ourselves, we must forgive those who may have hurt us and forgive ourselves for continuing to dwell on the hurt.
So hopefully this resource will start you on the forgiveness/healing journey toward setting healthy boundaries in your life
Healing Ritual "Forgiveness"