Sigh *shrugs and gets back to it*
Confession...I like Wale's song Bad. Not that I need a justification, but I typically don't like a song unless it resonates with me in some way.
If you've not heard the song before, I encourage you to Listen. Now I must warn you it's pretty explicit so you have to listen a couple of times to get passed the shock and awe to get to the nuggets. So fitting to this post...getting past the exterior to get to the real.
So beside it evoking a little retro naughtiness in me (just being honest), it made me consider the ways in which our negative self talk/perception and insecurities strongly dictate our behaviors. How these elements also motivate us to create a persona that "protects" us from the world (I encourage you to read my post entitled Certifiably Authentic where I talk about mask).
As I worked out this morning, i kept replaying the chorus and critically analyzing or over-thinking it (whichever you prefer. I embrace both :-)). I thought man she is so hell bent on not being connected or vulnerable to this other person, that she wants to prove her badness/unworthiness. So much so that she labels connectedness, a bad thing, to "making love" and disconnectedness to "f@$king"...straight no chaser! Then goes on to say that she's damaged goods but good enough for sex. Actual lyrics "I won't commit, not having it. But at least I can admit that I'd be bad to ya. I'd be good in bed but i'd be bad to ya". Yea, I know.
I know this a graphic analogy, however if you've read my other posts, I love and live for analogies and ways in which every part of this life we experience are connected. Connected to our greater good and growth of our spirit. Stay with me though :-)
Honesty moment, in my past I have said similar words. Simply put, i was her. And truth be told those elements, created by life circumstances, are still very present (work in progress...daily). When I said this song resonated with me, I am keeping it 100%. As my blog tag line says "beginning with me...sharing with others". Of course this wouldn't be a nudge if there wasn't something in it for you. I will have an honesty moment for you too, many of you are/were her. Maybe not literally or with sex, but yea, i can recognize a mask wearer when i see one (takes one to know one, huh?). Her being the "character" that sings the chorus. The character that Wale is trying to understand and know. He highlights some very positive elements about her but can't understand her distance...yes I'm intellectualizing the ratchetness but there is always some knowledge in the chaos. Getting past the exterior to get to the real.
Many of us live from a place of being unworthy...unworthy of love, life, success, friends, *fill in the blank*. So much so, we begin to embrace that unworthiness and wear it as a badge of strength and pride. Instead of focusing on our feeling of not being worthy of love, we project "who need love"..."all men are dogs/all women are hoes". Instead of focusing on our thoughts of inadequacy in our job, we project that "the organization doesn't value me" and complain about how our talents were never tapped. It removes ownership of our mess and the need tonfix/clean our mess. ...getting to the real.
Our songstress' chooses not to commit. But what is the motive for the choice? Making choices and decisions are overall great things, however we must always evaluate our motive for a choice. Because wrong motives can be detrimental and deadly (literally and figuratively). Her motive (as was the same with mine) is the reasoning why one decides not to open themselves up to a potential mate or an employee who decides they're going disengage and do the bare minimum at work, fear (fear seems to be running rampant in my internal world...two post that have fear at their core...need to analyze that more). The fear of no one committing to us as is, no one choosing us as a mate or not being recognized or having to advocate for our talents. This fear causes us to project our lack of care regarding the very outcome we fear. Getting past the exterior...
We detach, disengage, disconnect to keep "them" from knowing that we really don't feel worthy. That distance that Wale is trying to understand, that I surmise he's experienced from someone and even with himself, is the false barrier we build in hopes to protect ourselves. At the end of Wale's last verse, he states that he atrempted to call her after they slept together and her cell phone wasn't on. Deconnected.
Facing our stuff/past/mess is a hard, hard, hard process...did I say hard? A hard, life long process. But we are created to connect and engage and are worthy of every contact God allows. Believing that we are worthy and opening ourselves to those God given interactions doesn't mean that only strawberries and rainbows, love and friendship, great jobs and promotions will enter our space. On the contrary..we may have more rotten apples and clouds, heartbreak and enemies, or sucky positions and too many years at one level than we would like. But i am a witness that the positives far outshine the negatives.
We are required to get to the heart of the matter...past the exterior, barrier, mask and get to the real. Is it bad? Ummmm yea it is...sorry must be honest. Only truth in love here. Remember YOU are not bad but living from a false sense of self is no bueno! Let's (do the) work!
