Working on it

Sorry for the title.  When I'm afraid of exposing parts of myself, I will find any reason to delay the process.  In the spirit of wanting to get this published, I didn't over think title.  Lately I've been struggling with my thoughts.  Well to be honest, I've always struggled with my thoughts.  I am an internal processor.  Most things have been analyzed ( and over analyzed) in my mind way before they are spoken or an action taken.  Internal processing, in of itself, is not a bad thing, just as thinking before you speak isn't.  It saves you from foolish statements or activates thoughtful responses.  It has saved me quite a bit as it also activates my ability to discern.  However lately I've realized that I've also allowed my thoughts to keep my heart/feelings "safe" and in turn (in hope) keeping me safe.

Those that know me, know me as an encourager...a motivator.  I've spent many years in my career and personal life serving as a counselor or coach, assisting others to reach their potential or to build up enough internal motivation to move beyond any negative thinking or circumstance.  One would assume any thoughts or self-talk I would have would be life-giving and encouraging.  Here in lies my struggle.  Although I have been known to love on the world, I have realized this last year or two that I don't love on myself.  Let me explain.  I don't want you to think this is about pampering, even though eventually that kind of self care can go by the waist side if what I'm referring to is not managed.  As I begin to discern my self talk, I realized in order to keep me " safe" I was using negative self-talk.  This, I believe, mainly stemming from the darkness of my childhood.  Things like "they won't stay, so don't get too connected." "They really don't think you're doing a great job, work harder. You must be/appear perfect." "They can't be trusted, so you need to question everything." "You have got to be/appear to be the best friend/lover/person or people will judge you and not forgive you."  I'm sure you get the jist.

Going into my 40th birthday, I started on my journey towards not only being my authentic self, but believing that who I was authentically was ok.  With this movement, my world, as I knew it or as I had created, became undone and I was completely vulnerable.  Logically and intellectually, I knew this was actually a good place to be, however emotionally that vulnerability pushed me more into myself.  Some might ask, why would that be a good place to be, vulnerable?  Without authentic vulnerability, no person can be in good/right relationship with themselves or others.  When you bear yourself authentically to the world, you open yourself to authentic love but you also open yourself to judgment, criticism, hurt, pain etc.  I found myself doing most of this to myself as to mitigate what I assumed would be given by the world.  The false belief that if we can "predict" what people will say or do, we will better know how to be and do around them.

Most of our greatest loves and lessons come through relationships.  I thought I had done "good" job with insulating myself and keeping my heart "safe", however I was jolted into reality when my new work and personal relationships began to expose how the self talk that was supposed to be helping me stay safe was actually harming me and those around me.  The more I talked to protect myself, the more I pushed people away/isolated myself.  What had worked to keep me "safe from the world (or the world I had created) when I was younger, no longer worked.  It now worked against me., essentially pushing people away/isolating myself.  What had worked to keep me safe from the world or the world I had created when I was younger and living in the matrix, no longer worked.  It now worked against me.

Changing the way we think is a very hard process.  It's like breaking a bad habit times ten.  But EVERYTHING begins in our mind.  No thing, no life, no relationship can manifest if we first don't think on it first.

So who am I?  Who am I in and to this world?  Well, it all begins with who I think I am.  I can't lie, some days I think I'm imperfectly perfect and passionate and smart and loving and a hard worker who can take over the world.  And other days, I'm a scared little girl trying to figure out who the enemy is and why they are after me.  Sometimes I face the world as it is and sometimes I'm in my matrix.  The enemy has realized that nothing in this world will break me...been through too much.  He knows if he can keep me focused on negative self-talk about what I believe about myself and what others feel/believe about me, then he can keep me stagnant.  No bueno!

I can tell you what I've started doing...feeding myself the same thoughts I feed the world, whether that's music, quotes, bible verses or reminding myself of the words from those who love me.  Slowly but surely my thoughts are my priority until I can fully trust my positive thoughts just as much as I trusted the negative ones.

Update (12.22.16):  If I can stick to my blogging, you will become reacquainted with my tendency to continuing thinking and updating post as I acquire more knowledge and understanding about the experience I expressed in the post.  This is one of those times.
Today my bible reading plan highlighted Matthew 12.  It is particularly fitting for this post as it speaks about you can only produce what is in you.  I am including three versions that spoke to my heart:

• “Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for tree is recognized by its fruit.” (v 33)
• “A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him.” (v35)
• “For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.” (v37)

As you read in the post, I have learned that what I allow in me is what will come out of me. However, I seek my understanding from God and not my own.  That has not gotten me very far.  With my education (via life experience), I will seek God for revelation.

All that to say, these verses confirm my understanding of how my thinking (what I am adding to myself), has manifested in my life.   My thinking was not only damaging me but I believe I was manifesting my thought into reality (self-fulfilling prophesy).  I was condemning myself.  Not only do I want the world to recognize who I am authentically, I want to recognize who I am.  I am good.  I am caring.  I am smart.  I am protective.  I am stubborn.  I am no nonsense.  I am loving.  I am giving. I am nurturing.  I am God.  I am me and I am ok.

Focused on the wrong Shhhhhh!

Goodness!  I can't believe it has been three years since I wrote a post!  Wow!  The ebb and flow of life!

Thanks to one of my Sistafriends who recently discovered my old blog post, I'm back again for the first time!  I think that's someone's song or title of a song but I digress.

So much has happened in the time I've been away.  Maybe I will reveal parts and pieces throughout this and future post...not explicitly though.  I'm not the autobiographical type.  For those who know me or have been reading my post from the past, know i am an open book when it comes to revealing truths.  I always start with me...meaning my post are more epiphanies I've had or am having as I live, learn and love through this life.  I shared because I'm a giver and encourager.  If I'm honest/authentic without myself and chose to share then I will give you my truth as well, no matter how vulnerable it makes me.  Again digressing.  It's been so long, I feel like I have to reintroduce myself...now that's Jay-Z.  Love him.

So this year I've been focusing more on being authentically me and with that have come some spring times (newest, growth, blossoms, freshness) and some winter (cold, death, stillness).  One of the main things I've learned ( or been reminded of) is that life and lessons are cyclical.  Just when you think you've mastered an area, like a video game or the changing of seasons, a new level/season of learning happens.  It has been a long time coming for me to focus on me.  I've always been one to focus my energies on other people.  I was built to support others, be a giver, encourager, motivator, to discern needs and either give it or facilitate the need being fulfilled.  When I was younger, I used these gifts for bad in that I was a people pleaser.  I believed if I did and was what others wanted, they in turn would love me.  Of course, You get hurt a lot doing that because love is not garnered that way.  So I learned over time that I'm worthy of love no matter what and that being a giver/pouring into others is not a bad thing as long as I'm pouring into myself as well.  I learned that as long as I am being my authentic self and giving because that is what I was made for and not for validation, I would be at peace.

Now I know you're probably thinking, ok what does this have to do with the title of this post because that's what you should be focused on right?  Well yes but here's the thing...in my quest for authenticity and attempting to be and live my truths, I made the mistake of assuming I had mastered the concept of being a giver/pouring into others is not a bad thing as long as I'm pouring into myself as well.  I recently found myself getting drained from giving and I didn't know why.  I was having those old school feelings of worthlessness and unworthiness.  I couldn't understand what the issue was and I wouldn't let my mind think it was an issue I had "checked off" the issues list.  I'm a checklist, no gray area type of person.  As much as I can, I like to put things in their "order".  Helps me make sense of the world and people.  This blessing/curse is why I believed I had checked giver issue off the list.  Hey I recognized the issue and I had put it into practice, right?  I'm good, right?  I chuckle as I type this because it seemed so logical at the time...and the fact that I thought it would be logical is even funnier...digression. 

What I recently realized is I was way too focused on the big picture issue and not the small behaviors that caused me to fail miserably when faced with giver issue again.  I love to listen to my friends talk... I learn so much about them and I honestly get most of my epiphanies about my life from listening.  One of friends recently was talking about work and his employees.  I can't remember the scenario exactly but he ended up telling an employee that they were way too focused in the wrong shit and that's why they can't learn what he was attempting to show them.  He'd said that phrase "focused on the wrong shit" many other times before but this time it resonated with me.

One of my small behaviors was my thinking...the simple thoughts I spoke to myself all day, everyday about who I was and who I was to this world.  Now I'm focus on the root issue and not my response to the world...see my post entitled Working on it.  It will make more sense 😊.  Random but no longer preventing myself from being vulnerable in this world.