My mom passed away two months ago today (6.27.12 @ 12:22 p.m.). I felt it was finally time to write her post. I chuckled as I typed "her post". When I started this blog, I never thought I would write an entire post for/around my mom...but if I think about it all of my post in one way or the other have been about my love (or missing love) of my mother.
I must start this off by saying, this post is about a love story. It will make more sense later but definitely I want the essence of this message to be about love. I briefly spoke about the struggles I thought I had overcome around my mom in a previous post entitled Resolutions. Again a laughable moment because I was so off the mark about what needed to happen to heal. I hope this post, more than any I have written, speaks life to someone.
It was on a Tuesday afternoon when I received the call that mommy was ill again but this time it was before her dialysis appointment. Mommy getting sick enough to go to the emergency room was happening every 5-6 weeks but typically after her dialysis treatments, so this caused my heart to become slightly anxious.
Long story shortened, mommy was entered into ICU that day and I was thrust into a twister of doctors, directions and diagnosis that culminated in my needing to make the decision to stop the temporary fixes and put mommy directly into hospice care...lots and lots of slow deep breaths. God has many ways of bringing us to the realization that we have actually been avoiding intimate and/or hard decisions in our relationships. I couldn't have been more emotionally detached from my mother, although I was caring for her and now I was being called to make very intimate and important decisions on her behalf. I felt so vulnerable and lost... right back to that little girl I referred to in the Resolutions post (REALITY CHECKED). That little girl...my inner little girl is very important in this love story.
As I always do I pulled it together and handled the business and logistics of her being ill. Game face on...emotions, vulnerability stuffed. It wasnt until my husband and I met with hospice the next day that I realized my mom's end was nearer than I had allowed myself to believe. This was a Wednesday.
I asked my husband to notify my family and allowed them space and time with my mom. I tried to sink in the background literally and figuratively during their time visiting. After my family departed on that following Tuesday, mommy and I finally had time alone. Time I hadn't necessarily sought out before, but craved A LOT now. Although she was breathing on her own, she wasn't eating or very responsive via conversation. At times I would talk about everything and nothing and stroking her hands and arms. To be honest I didn't really know what to say. I spent a lot of time in silence with her, which made my craving to be with her alone all the more confusing for me.
In a moment of silence, I heard a voice say "Listen!". Then as clear as I hear my Pandora station as I write this post, I heard my mommy's voice calling me. Although she spoke no words, she was calling me as though she was looking for me. I answered, the little girl in me answered "Yes, mommy I am here!" There were a lot of words that came in the form of energy and felt like hugs and kisses. The powerful statements I remember were "You're everything I prayed for my life to be." "You are my future!". "I have been searching for your spirit since I lost you as a little girl". "You are enough so don't live your life trying to prove this to others. I wasted alot of time doing this in my life" "i love you...you know how much i love you right?" It was like all the mommying, love and care that had not been given in almost 30 years was poured into me.
All the things I had yearned to hear from her and had searched for in others, were given in that moment, in her room, while we were alone, with no literal words being shared, on that Tuesday. Our spirits had reconnected in her dying and in my mourning. I was reconciled with my first love...my first soulmate. I envision God was there serving as a mediator so that our spirits could connect at that time, in that moment.
I left that evening so full...so at peace. I cried and processed and cried some more. On Wednesday at 4 am I received a call that mommy's breathing had changed. Mommy took her last breath at 12:22 pm. I felt so blessed and honored that she made sure she didn't leave to be with God until her baby knew how much she was loved. I am brought to tears as I type this. I rubbed her and kissed her and thanked her for loving me so much. This IS a love story.
No matter the day or the time...IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO RECONCILE. Although many might say but she's dead now so you can't experience this love with her again, I must disagree. I am experiencing so much love from her now and will forever. I am sometimes overwhelmed by the energy of love I feel from her. Not only from her, but from the God of the Universe who sent His Son to die for me as well as allowed me to reconcile with my mom in what would seem like the 9th hour. It solidified for me that reconciliation in all forms is always an option...always open...always available. Because love is always an option, always open and always available. Our delayed reconnection did not stem from the impossibility of it, it stemmed from our inability to allow our spirit to lead under the mediation of God (the love that brought us together before time).
I pray if you are needing reconciliation that your spirit be open to hearing from the one with whom you want to reconcile as well as being open to those who need to reconcile with you. You must move your flesh, your thoughts, your ego/pride, your emotions to the side so that you can hear your spirit. I am a walking testimony that love (God) WILL find a way to show you that you are loved beyond measure. Open your spirit and listen.
Mommy - thank you so much for finding me, for loving me. I miss you, Judy Ann Fisher.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
So he gave them what they asked for...hmmm?
Please forgive me. It has been a while since I have posted. I plan to write a post around my hiatus soon.
But on to what has nudged (well shoved) me to take a few extra minutes during my reflection time and post.
Then they believed his promises and sang His praise. But they soon forgot what He had done and did not wait for His counsel. In the desert they gave into their craving; in the wasteland they put God to the test. So He gave them what they asked for, but sent a wasting disease upon them ~ Psalm 106:12-15
This was my reflection/devotion verse from yesterday. I try to read (and eat breakfast) in the mornings to set the tone of the day and focus my mind and heart. I kept coming back to So He gave them what they asked for...It was kinda jolting to my spirit. I wasn't really sure why. So read Psalms 106 to garner some additional background of the situation. Key takeaways for me were that it begins and ends with praise, although in the middle there was some doubts and rebellion. So I thought hmmm where am I being rebellious and doubtful? Was this a warning, like I give my little ones prior to the punishment coming down? What was I asking for, or better yet, complaining I didn't or did have that would cause that specific part of the verse to resonated?
So He gave them what they asked for...I reread the verse again and again. I then was drawn to the first two sentences. Then they believed his promises and sang His praise...Then? But they soon forgot what He had done and did not wait for His counsel...they soon forgot what He had done...ahhh! Like in English class and life...it is never the current sentence (situation) that is the key, it is what has happen prior to that sentence (situation) that holds the context.
What I gather was there was a lot of action on God's part, actually showing them His wonders and how much He loved them which motivated their praise, faith and following. However, if there was a time where there was no tangible blessing (have any of those times?) then they lost sight of what He had done and asked for what they desired. After a while, I assume like I do sometimes with my little ones, He gave them exactly what they asked for.
Of course the last part of that verse, BUT sent a wasting disease upon them wrapped it all up, gives the reality check. Ummm no thank you! I will take faithfulness, patience and Your will, God. I will pass on what I think I want (and all the mess that comes with it) if it is not in Your will...LOL. Negative on the wasting disease!
There have been times, many lately, where I was doubtful and lacked faith in myself and my God given abilities. I assume this is why this resonated with me so much. I really don't want what I am "asking" for. Even though I am not literally asking for anything, my actions (and reactions), beliefs and self talk say otherwise. I am in tune enough to know this and take this as the parental warning :-). There have been times, however, when I really thought I wanted (and deserved) what I was asking for and there have been times where He has given me what I asked for and others where He has withheld. So with my parental warning, I did some self reflection and was reminded of those times. Also times when He has done what He promised without much assistance from me (I hear God saying "and thank you very much" after that statement...LOL).
Nudge: Take time to inventory/reflect on if you really want what you are asking for. Old saying, be careful what you asked for, you just might get it :-). If you feel God is not listening to you/your request...if you feel you have lost faith , reflect on His overall promises and ALL the times He has done/moved etc on your behalf (without any input from you...thank you very much :-)). Those times when the Universe has moved on your behalf are God's personal promises to you.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Whose MESS is THIS?!
I am a yeller (not a word, I know!). What I mean is when the kids are out of line I tend to yell. At all cost I really don't want (emphasis because I WILL) to spank them or punish them at all really. More and more I am learning just how much of a softy I am*folding arms and putting on my tough mommy face*.
More often than not, I am yelling about cleaning up. Although I am not a neat freak, I like orderly chaos LOL (not going there now) but there shouldn't be mess for the sake of mess...shoes and clothes and cups etc scattered around with no one to "claim" them. I am even a culprit of yelling at the kids for random mess that they politely point out is mine...ooops.
This mess "dance" with my kids reminds me of the mess "dance" we do in our lives. When I say mess I am referring to our issues, insecurities, negative thoughts etc. Anything that dwells in us that at any give moment could spill (negatively impact) out on our environment and those in our environment. We all have mess, however how we recognize and manage that mess is the "dance".
Some of us are like the previous scenario with me and the kids, we allow our mess to spill out, however don't claim it because we can't recognized our mess from someone else's or we don't want to. Typically those of us who are in that space are constantly yelling Whose MESS is THIS through our actions with others and our environment. Actions such as projecting, denying, retreating, etc. Again not aware or not willing to claim the mess as ours.
If I want, I can clean my kids' messes to fulfill my need for orderly chaos. However with our internal mess, no one can clean/manage our mess but us! You must be willing to recognize it and then take the steps to manage it. This also works for those of us who claim mess that does not belong to us. When we take the time to recognize and understand our mess, then we know what is NOT our mess and hold others accountable for claiming and cleaning/managing their mess.
I have come to recognize that much of my issues in relationships (using this globally, not just romantic or family or friendships) was recognizing what was MY issues (mess) that I was expecting the other person to fix/change/manage (clean up) and what was their issues (mess) that they needed to fix/change/manage themselves AND THEN acting accordingly. Acting accordingly means clean/manage your mess and expect others to clean/manage theirs.
SIDENOTE: When I say clean/manage our mess, this is not to imply that one must do this alone. I strongly encourage you to seek assistance/help with dealing with your issues, be that a live counselor, an online seminar, books etc whatever works for you. The ownership reference means that we must take responsibility for taking the necessary steps to manage our own mess, however that looks.
This is probably why on some level I am so adamant about my kids recognizing and cleaning their own tangible messes. Accountability is key and I welcome them to keep mommy on her toes as well*smile* So now before I yell Whose MESS is THIS?! I am sure to check to see if it is literally or figuratively mine and act accordingly.
Quest to manage/clean up my Mess or at least have orderly chaos :-)
More often than not, I am yelling about cleaning up. Although I am not a neat freak, I like orderly chaos LOL (not going there now) but there shouldn't be mess for the sake of mess...shoes and clothes and cups etc scattered around with no one to "claim" them. I am even a culprit of yelling at the kids for random mess that they politely point out is mine...ooops.
This mess "dance" with my kids reminds me of the mess "dance" we do in our lives. When I say mess I am referring to our issues, insecurities, negative thoughts etc. Anything that dwells in us that at any give moment could spill (negatively impact) out on our environment and those in our environment. We all have mess, however how we recognize and manage that mess is the "dance".
Some of us are like the previous scenario with me and the kids, we allow our mess to spill out, however don't claim it because we can't recognized our mess from someone else's or we don't want to. Typically those of us who are in that space are constantly yelling Whose MESS is THIS through our actions with others and our environment. Actions such as projecting, denying, retreating, etc. Again not aware or not willing to claim the mess as ours.
If I want, I can clean my kids' messes to fulfill my need for orderly chaos. However with our internal mess, no one can clean/manage our mess but us! You must be willing to recognize it and then take the steps to manage it. This also works for those of us who claim mess that does not belong to us. When we take the time to recognize and understand our mess, then we know what is NOT our mess and hold others accountable for claiming and cleaning/managing their mess.
I have come to recognize that much of my issues in relationships (using this globally, not just romantic or family or friendships) was recognizing what was MY issues (mess) that I was expecting the other person to fix/change/manage (clean up) and what was their issues (mess) that they needed to fix/change/manage themselves AND THEN acting accordingly. Acting accordingly means clean/manage your mess and expect others to clean/manage theirs.
SIDENOTE: When I say clean/manage our mess, this is not to imply that one must do this alone. I strongly encourage you to seek assistance/help with dealing with your issues, be that a live counselor, an online seminar, books etc whatever works for you. The ownership reference means that we must take responsibility for taking the necessary steps to manage our own mess, however that looks.
This is probably why on some level I am so adamant about my kids recognizing and cleaning their own tangible messes. Accountability is key and I welcome them to keep mommy on her toes as well*smile* So now before I yell Whose MESS is THIS?! I am sure to check to see if it is literally or figuratively mine and act accordingly.
Quest to manage/clean up my Mess or at least have orderly chaos :-)
Sunday, May 6, 2012
IT is well, so go get IT!
As I was jamming to Mary Mary while getting my elliptical on, I was nudged to share a bit of motivation for the recent graduates...the people who may be wondering what's next..who are going through something that has their faith on shaky ground...for anyone needing a nudge forward or to keep moving forward. Seek your place/your peace to make "it" well with your soul so that YOU can move toward/step out/go get what is FOR YOU!
I know "it" may appear confusing, scary, ambiguous, hopeless (fill in the blank) but this is about moving THROUGH in TRUST regardless of what is going on NOW. This requires "it" to be well with you.
We must know that what God has for us requires some things of us. There are things we must learn...there are ways in which we must change our perception and perspective...there are things we must do in order to get "it" ( literally and figuratively). "It" IS for YOU! Let's GO!
It is time to to boldly proclaim "It" is well. It is time to go get "it". It's your time.
I have linked the the two Mary Mary songs that nudged me. There have been a few experiences this week and weekend that also served as motivations but these two songs sum up all those emotions I experienced and I was blessed to experience through others.
It Is Well and Go Get It. Listen (turn them up loud*smile*), meditate and be encouraged!
I know "it" may appear confusing, scary, ambiguous, hopeless (fill in the blank) but this is about moving THROUGH in TRUST regardless of what is going on NOW. This requires "it" to be well with you.
We must know that what God has for us requires some things of us. There are things we must learn...there are ways in which we must change our perception and perspective...there are things we must do in order to get "it" ( literally and figuratively). "It" IS for YOU! Let's GO!
It is time to to boldly proclaim "It" is well. It is time to go get "it". It's your time.
I have linked the the two Mary Mary songs that nudged me. There have been a few experiences this week and weekend that also served as motivations but these two songs sum up all those emotions I experienced and I was blessed to experience through others.
It Is Well and Go Get It. Listen (turn them up loud*smile*), meditate and be encouraged!
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Tossed like a doggon wave!
I woke up this morning at about 5 ish realizing I had been like the waves mentioned in James 1:6-8. Not only had I not been exercising my faith, BUT I had not even asked!
There are ALOT of impending transitions at my job, ALOT of speculation, not enough and too much communication going on which makes for a recovering worry wart's, an over-analysis paralysis sufferer's, an ambiguity phobe's worst NIGHTMARE (dramatics intended...can you feel my soul screaming? A scream is welling up in my chest now...LOL 1...2...3...Breathe). All the "advice" I share with others about faith, I had failed to even ask, let alone BELIEVE in this situation.
On my growth quest, I am learning not to BE or LIVE constantly in the story of my past: growing up with no connections and not really belonging anywhere or with anyone. Instead, I am learning to grow and learn from those experiences, helping myself and others. The FIRST lesson in that journey is to REMEMBER HOW and WHAT God has brought you through as well as WHERE He has brought you to. I failed to remember and apply it to this situation.
It shouldn't matter what others are or are not doing in the situation MY faith should be with Him. However, I let my emotions, attitude and voice be "blown and tossed" like a doggon wave!
I became angry and then sad at myself. How did I allow that to happen? I feel like David and his many times of apologizing and seeking mercy/forgiveness from God. I apologized that I had truly missed Him in all this. How did I miss Him? I am still trying to fully understand it in order to recognize and not repeat in the future but I think this situation was a "trigger".
As I mentioned, I am a recovering ambiguity phobe (among other things), which stems from the ambiguity of my childhood. Certainty = safety (falsely) for me (working on this). So ANY situation the produces too much ambiguity drudges up "unsafe emotions" for me that I have to actively and aggressively fight against. BUT, I must first recognize it as such, which as I grow I have learned (and obviously still learning*smile*) to do.
I recognized it when our office was told in September that some "changes" would happen. I wavered (but didn't fall) when December came and there was not much nor effective communication. Oh, but add in some transitions of staff, the "issues" of those in leadership, random speculation and TIME and I forgot about HIM. The saddest thing for me is that I THOUGHT I was focusing on Him but I really was not. I was saying it, but not practicing it. (Similarly to the seeds in the Parable of the Sower - specifically the seeds thrown amongst the rocks Matthew 13).
Instead of "leaning into" the confusion and leaning on what He has always done for me and BELIEVING beyond what I SAW happening, I gave into it. I allowed my emotions (waves) to be tossed by my conditions (winds).
Soooo now I am settling my waves. Focusing on my Compass, my Rock, my Faith. I am "leaning into" the ambiguity and leaning on my Clarity (for me that is God).
I will no longer blame others or the situations for how I am allowing them to make me feel/react. I own it! This situation no longer has control. The Uni-verse/God DOES!
I have this verse posted on a sticky note in my office "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters"~Colossians 3:23 with a note REMEMBER YOU WORK FOR HIM NOT THEM! I had that versus posted at my old job and reposted it as a reminder...for such a time as this! What an analogy - God is as close to me as that sticky note yet I missed it/Him until this morning. I get it God!
We must make an effort to find our Center/our Source even when everything around us is tossing us! Fight to cling to/get to/reconnect with YOUR Source, which is NOT found in the situation or person that is causing you to be tossed.
Although I am mad and sad at myself, I know He has forgiven me and I will forgive myself. I will lean into the chaos/uncertainty and lean on what has been certain in my life. I get it now God!
Selah!
There are ALOT of impending transitions at my job, ALOT of speculation, not enough and too much communication going on which makes for a recovering worry wart's, an over-analysis paralysis sufferer's, an ambiguity phobe's worst NIGHTMARE (dramatics intended...can you feel my soul screaming? A scream is welling up in my chest now...LOL 1...2...3...Breathe). All the "advice" I share with others about faith, I had failed to even ask, let alone BELIEVE in this situation.
On my growth quest, I am learning not to BE or LIVE constantly in the story of my past: growing up with no connections and not really belonging anywhere or with anyone. Instead, I am learning to grow and learn from those experiences, helping myself and others. The FIRST lesson in that journey is to REMEMBER HOW and WHAT God has brought you through as well as WHERE He has brought you to. I failed to remember and apply it to this situation.
It shouldn't matter what others are or are not doing in the situation MY faith should be with Him. However, I let my emotions, attitude and voice be "blown and tossed" like a doggon wave!
I became angry and then sad at myself. How did I allow that to happen? I feel like David and his many times of apologizing and seeking mercy/forgiveness from God. I apologized that I had truly missed Him in all this. How did I miss Him? I am still trying to fully understand it in order to recognize and not repeat in the future but I think this situation was a "trigger".
As I mentioned, I am a recovering ambiguity phobe (among other things), which stems from the ambiguity of my childhood. Certainty = safety (falsely) for me (working on this). So ANY situation the produces too much ambiguity drudges up "unsafe emotions" for me that I have to actively and aggressively fight against. BUT, I must first recognize it as such, which as I grow I have learned (and obviously still learning*smile*) to do.
I recognized it when our office was told in September that some "changes" would happen. I wavered (but didn't fall) when December came and there was not much nor effective communication. Oh, but add in some transitions of staff, the "issues" of those in leadership, random speculation and TIME and I forgot about HIM. The saddest thing for me is that I THOUGHT I was focusing on Him but I really was not. I was saying it, but not practicing it. (Similarly to the seeds in the Parable of the Sower - specifically the seeds thrown amongst the rocks Matthew 13).
Instead of "leaning into" the confusion and leaning on what He has always done for me and BELIEVING beyond what I SAW happening, I gave into it. I allowed my emotions (waves) to be tossed by my conditions (winds).
Soooo now I am settling my waves. Focusing on my Compass, my Rock, my Faith. I am "leaning into" the ambiguity and leaning on my Clarity (for me that is God).
I will no longer blame others or the situations for how I am allowing them to make me feel/react. I own it! This situation no longer has control. The Uni-verse/God DOES!
I have this verse posted on a sticky note in my office "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters"~Colossians 3:23 with a note REMEMBER YOU WORK FOR HIM NOT THEM! I had that versus posted at my old job and reposted it as a reminder...for such a time as this! What an analogy - God is as close to me as that sticky note yet I missed it/Him until this morning. I get it God!
We must make an effort to find our Center/our Source even when everything around us is tossing us! Fight to cling to/get to/reconnect with YOUR Source, which is NOT found in the situation or person that is causing you to be tossed.
Although I am mad and sad at myself, I know He has forgiven me and I will forgive myself. I will lean into the chaos/uncertainty and lean on what has been certain in my life. I get it now God!
Selah!
Friday, April 27, 2012
Not Deciding IS Deciding
I have been mentally stirring up this post for a few days, not sure what ingredients to add to fill the soul. I really feel like I am mentally creating soup when I am contemplating a post. You can add so many different things to a soup and come up with so many different flavors and variations of soup. But enough about soup.
Being a career coach at a university, this time of year becomes notoriously known as the procrastinator's motivation. It is the last two weeks of school and my schedule fills up with appointments to see graduating seniors who, for a myriad of reasons, have waited until the last minute to focus on the career part of life after college. Some come in with realistic expectations that this process may take more than the last two weeks. But SOME have not thought about it at all and hope that by some miracle or magic all their career aspirations/checklist items will come to fruition by the time they walk across the stage (ever heard of "your procrastination is NOT my emergency"? I say that quite often this time of year.)
I find myself, more often than not, asking them questions that go unanswered or receiving an answer like "I hadn't decided on that yet." So I lovingly tell them that in fact they HAD decided. Whatever the decision-making blockers (procrastination, fear (of outcome, responsibility etc), lack of prioritizing etc or in some cases a combination of any and everything) by not deciding they actually did decide. They decided they would not focus on it until that very moment.
Once that sinks in one of two things happens without fail: I either assist them with formulating a plan, reset their expectations and we get to work OR they leave and we don't see them again (picturing a rolling tumble weed in a dry desert "inserting sound of the wind blowing" and no one in sight) AGAIN another decision made via avoidance (which should be added to the list of blockers above!).
I think many of us fall victim to the "non-decision syndrome" (yes I made that up*smile*). Because of the blockers listed in the scenario above, we find ourselves in this syndrome and call it something else, like staying neutral or waiting on God.
There is a season for everything. There is a time to be neutral. There is a time to wait (actively anticipating an answer) on God. However, when it comes to decision-making (as with most other concepts), it all comes down to MOTIVE. Why are/aren't you making this decision? If the answer, either way, is one of those blockers previously mentioned (fear etc) then you need to do the opposite!
At the end of the day whether you make a decision or not, YOU are RESPONSIBLE for the decision you do or do not make. I found those who rely on others or situations to decide or not on their behalf, tend to also try to place the blame on that person/situation when the outcome is not what they intended. But as I said before, YOU are RESPONSIBLE for the decisions you do or do not make even if you decided to let someone/something else make that decision for you. A bit of tough love.
We must trust our decision-making abilities. I don't believe one is born with the ability to make decisions or the knowledge as to when or when not to make a decision. It is learned behavior that tends to start in childhood. The more we make decisions and have faith that the outcome will be fine no matter what, the more we will trust our decision-making abilities and the blockers will no longer be invited to the party (or if they show up, they will be happily escorted out).
If you are struggle with this, start by DECIDING to answer these questions (honestly and authentically or you will be DECIDING to waste time) :
Being a career coach at a university, this time of year becomes notoriously known as the procrastinator's motivation. It is the last two weeks of school and my schedule fills up with appointments to see graduating seniors who, for a myriad of reasons, have waited until the last minute to focus on the career part of life after college. Some come in with realistic expectations that this process may take more than the last two weeks. But SOME have not thought about it at all and hope that by some miracle or magic all their career aspirations/checklist items will come to fruition by the time they walk across the stage (ever heard of "your procrastination is NOT my emergency"? I say that quite often this time of year.)
I find myself, more often than not, asking them questions that go unanswered or receiving an answer like "I hadn't decided on that yet." So I lovingly tell them that in fact they HAD decided. Whatever the decision-making blockers (procrastination, fear (of outcome, responsibility etc), lack of prioritizing etc or in some cases a combination of any and everything) by not deciding they actually did decide. They decided they would not focus on it until that very moment.
Once that sinks in one of two things happens without fail: I either assist them with formulating a plan, reset their expectations and we get to work OR they leave and we don't see them again (picturing a rolling tumble weed in a dry desert "inserting sound of the wind blowing" and no one in sight) AGAIN another decision made via avoidance (which should be added to the list of blockers above!).
I think many of us fall victim to the "non-decision syndrome" (yes I made that up*smile*). Because of the blockers listed in the scenario above, we find ourselves in this syndrome and call it something else, like staying neutral or waiting on God.
There is a season for everything. There is a time to be neutral. There is a time to wait (actively anticipating an answer) on God. However, when it comes to decision-making (as with most other concepts), it all comes down to MOTIVE. Why are/aren't you making this decision? If the answer, either way, is one of those blockers previously mentioned (fear etc) then you need to do the opposite!
If you are deciding out of fear, hold off on that decision for a while. If you are "waiting" to decide out of fear, then figure out what that fear is, "lean into" the fear and MAKE A DECISION!
At the end of the day whether you make a decision or not, YOU are RESPONSIBLE for the decision you do or do not make. I found those who rely on others or situations to decide or not on their behalf, tend to also try to place the blame on that person/situation when the outcome is not what they intended. But as I said before, YOU are RESPONSIBLE for the decisions you do or do not make even if you decided to let someone/something else make that decision for you. A bit of tough love.
We must trust our decision-making abilities. I don't believe one is born with the ability to make decisions or the knowledge as to when or when not to make a decision. It is learned behavior that tends to start in childhood. The more we make decisions and have faith that the outcome will be fine no matter what, the more we will trust our decision-making abilities and the blockers will no longer be invited to the party (or if they show up, they will be happily escorted out).
If you are struggle with this, start by DECIDING to answer these questions (honestly and authentically or you will be DECIDING to waste time) :
- What are you NOT DECIDING on?
- Why are you NOT DECIDING?
- What do you need to hold yourself accountable (timeline/deadline, a person)?
- How can you move out of the non-decision syndrome and own your decision-making?
Happy Deciding*smile*
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Honest Assessment: The Jagged Little Pill
During this time of reflection, I am spending it focusing on my growth and development as a person. I felt led to ask some close friends and colleagues to conduct an assessment on me. My hope is to take their words, reflect on them and mediate on them via conversations with God. I do a lot of self reflecting and analyzing, however sometimes our perception of ourselves (good and bad) is not the self we project or give to the world. I do assessments with students and alumni all the time and most of the time these assessments (personality, interest, strengths etc) are based around their career development/exploration but some times I encounter someone who wants to reassess their major/career choices and receive a "reality check" about those choices. I am working with a senior now, who's graduating in about five weeks or so, who wants to reassess her career choice. Pretty brave and scary stuff. After we debriefed, I asked her if her assessment reveals something that is total outside of what she is currently studying/wanting to go into now, does she plan to do anything about it. Of course she had to think about it. It is one thing to want clarity/feedback, but it is a whole other matter deciding what we will do with that information, if anything AND are we READY for it.
It is so important that we do assessments like this not just with people who love us and know us but with people who have only known us for a short time (on my to do list). It serves as that "reality check" to our life choices and purposes. It also provides us with positive points about who we are to the world. However, we must be ready to "receive" the information being shared with us AND we must know what, if anything, we will do with the information once we have it.
I must be honest, I was nervous about the responses I would get and my heart would beat fast every time I got a email entitled Re: Self-Assessment (YIKES). As a person who struggles with fear and taking risks I analyzed why I was willing to take this risk (this is something I am focusing on in general because there is no rhyme or reason as to why I will take some risk but waiver on others - more to come on that). There's no shrugging the ones you love off as "haters" LOL. For me it was a nudge from within and when that happens I have the courage/faith to move on that nudge in most cases.
SIDE BAR: After I reread this for editing I saw that I might have found my "rhyme/reason" to my risk taking methods. Bah Humbug! The favorite word of one of my close friends - typically said when she knows I am right but she doesn't want me to be..LOL. Kind of strange typing out the analysis/ah ha moments that usually goes on in my head.
Again, the point of my assessment was to see others perception of me. What "me" was I giving the world? Was that the "me" God intended me to be/give? Was that the "me" I wanted to be/give? I was slapped HARD in the face by some of the perceptions. I prayed, received and swallowed my jagged little pill (shout out to Alanis Morissette - still love her!). I was/am ready to do something with the information.
I told my student to think about it and make a follow up appointment IF she was ready to receive the information that MAY come from the assessment. No pressure. We have an appointment next week*smile*.
If you are interested in seeing the message and simple questions I sent out to garner my feedback, I have included it below. Please feel free to use as is or tweak it to fit your needs. I left my questions more open as to allow the person to flow in any direction they liked, however they felt compelled to respond. The key here is to make sure you are receiving what you need to know/assess and that you are ready for the information.
It is so important that we do assessments like this not just with people who love us and know us but with people who have only known us for a short time (on my to do list). It serves as that "reality check" to our life choices and purposes. It also provides us with positive points about who we are to the world. However, we must be ready to "receive" the information being shared with us AND we must know what, if anything, we will do with the information once we have it.
I must be honest, I was nervous about the responses I would get and my heart would beat fast every time I got a email entitled Re: Self-Assessment (YIKES). As a person who struggles with fear and taking risks I analyzed why I was willing to take this risk (this is something I am focusing on in general because there is no rhyme or reason as to why I will take some risk but waiver on others - more to come on that). There's no shrugging the ones you love off as "haters" LOL. For me it was a nudge from within and when that happens I have the courage/faith to move on that nudge in most cases.
SIDE BAR: After I reread this for editing I saw that I might have found my "rhyme/reason" to my risk taking methods. Bah Humbug! The favorite word of one of my close friends - typically said when she knows I am right but she doesn't want me to be..LOL. Kind of strange typing out the analysis/ah ha moments that usually goes on in my head.
Again, the point of my assessment was to see others perception of me. What "me" was I giving the world? Was that the "me" God intended me to be/give? Was that the "me" I wanted to be/give? I was slapped HARD in the face by some of the perceptions. I prayed, received and swallowed my jagged little pill (shout out to Alanis Morissette - still love her!). I was/am ready to do something with the information.
I told my student to think about it and make a follow up appointment IF she was ready to receive the information that MAY come from the assessment. No pressure. We have an appointment next week*smile*.
If you are interested in seeing the message and simple questions I sent out to garner my feedback, I have included it below. Please feel free to use as is or tweak it to fit your needs. I left my questions more open as to allow the person to flow in any direction they liked, however they felt compelled to respond. The key here is to make sure you are receiving what you need to know/assess and that you are ready for the information.
As I go through this season of reflection, spiritual discipline and becoming more focus and centered on Christ and in general, I am doing reflections for self improvement. I feel called to ask others to assess me. Sometimes we have a perspective of ourselves (good and bad) that may or may not be in line with who we present ourselves to be to others. With that being said, I want to ask you as a person close to me to provide me with the following:
Why do you allow me in your life?
What are my strengths (in general from your perspective)?
What are my challenges (in general from your perspective)?
What are my strengths (in general from your perspective)?
What are my challenges (in general from your perspective)?
Please be as honest as you can. This is not or will not be a reflection on our relationship. This is 100% about me. I trust your thoughts and will use your feedback as part of my reflections and conversations with God.
Being mindful of your time, if I could have a response before Easter that would be great.
Thank you so much for helping me.
Love Nika
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Where the fruit (the good stuff) is...
It has been a while since I last wrote my for this blog. Although I have not been as diligent as I should be with my posting, I have not been too much of a slacker*smile*. The creator of Pin Curl Girls, Jen Lukas-Landis, asked me to write a blog about fear for her website, a topic I know all too well. I was very excited and very fearful at the same time to write (see my post about starting my own blog and you will understand!) One of my friends sent me a quote “Don’t be afraid to go out on a limb. That’s where the fruit is” by H. Jackson Browne and my motivation to write was sparked. Using my fear as motivation as been a theme in my life lately and in many others who I have encounter regarding life and career choices. I encourage you to check out my blog entitled Where the fruit is... on the Pin Curl Girl site as well as peruse her awesome creations! I purchased the picture below for my daughter who recently started ballet.
Thanks Jen for believing in my message and allowing me to share that message with so many others!
Update 10.3.13: The Pin Curl Girl site no longer has the post I referenced above. If you are new to my blog and want to read the post, I welcome you to read Where the fruit (the good stuff) is post here :-)
Thanks Jen for believing in my message and allowing me to share that message with so many others!
Update 10.3.13: The Pin Curl Girl site no longer has the post I referenced above. If you are new to my blog and want to read the post, I welcome you to read Where the fruit (the good stuff) is post here :-)
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
The Help
It was on my heart this morning to pray for those who feel as though they have no other option but to hurt themselves and/or others. As I was looking through the bible for the verse about Jesus/God leaving us with a "advocate/helper" (finally found it John 14:16-17), I notice how many times the word "help" was used in the Bible (NIV). I was encouraged (God hears and helps - my spirit needed that word today) and sadden (some won't, can't, or don't know to ask for help especially when the internal and external noise is so loud) at the same time. Now I know every reference to "help" in the Bible may not be directly correlated to God/Jesus actually helping someone (not every reference is positive either). But the point I want to make is that God not only provided Jesus and the Holy Spirit but also He provided us to serve as helpers to one another. This is a lesson I am slowly learning - we have help in many forms - seek it! I know that is easier said than done (believe me)! If you are not strong enough to reach out just yet..pray for help to find you.
I can name so many instances where God allowed help to find me and others that I know! There are instances where I was called to be that help without the person ever speaking a word to me. God has given us the help, I pray that we seek it and give it freely, so that the noise does not overtake us.It is OK to cry out/ask for "help" from God and others!
I would love to read your experiences with helping others or how you have allowed others to help you. My hope is that others may read the stories as well. Irons Sharpens Irons! Be encouraged!
ENCOURAGEMENT UPDATE...2.15.12
In light of some recent incidents where it seems as thought the person was at a "loss" for the appropriate help for their situation, I want to share a poem a friend/mentor/fellow life giver, Jen Price-Davis, wrote on Valentine's Day. I truly believe deep down that those of us who are hurting and then hurt ourselves or others feel as though we are not seen, heard or loved. Lashing out is our only way to get the "attention" we seek, sometimes at costs that are not reversible. Her poem entitled Love was so timely I think for this present moment. Not that I think people are hurting more than they have been in the past, however I do believe the "out cry" is louder now (literally and figuratively).
My hope is that this poem will be an encouragement to you or to others. Please share!!!
Love - Jen Price Davis
I can name so many instances where God allowed help to find me and others that I know! There are instances where I was called to be that help without the person ever speaking a word to me. God has given us the help, I pray that we seek it and give it freely, so that the noise does not overtake us.It is OK to cry out/ask for "help" from God and others!
I would love to read your experiences with helping others or how you have allowed others to help you. My hope is that others may read the stories as well. Irons Sharpens Irons! Be encouraged!
ENCOURAGEMENT UPDATE...2.15.12
In light of some recent incidents where it seems as thought the person was at a "loss" for the appropriate help for their situation, I want to share a poem a friend/mentor/fellow life giver, Jen Price-Davis, wrote on Valentine's Day. I truly believe deep down that those of us who are hurting and then hurt ourselves or others feel as though we are not seen, heard or loved. Lashing out is our only way to get the "attention" we seek, sometimes at costs that are not reversible. Her poem entitled Love was so timely I think for this present moment. Not that I think people are hurting more than they have been in the past, however I do believe the "out cry" is louder now (literally and figuratively).
My hope is that this poem will be an encouragement to you or to others. Please share!!!
Love - Jen Price Davis
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Even those who coach, need coaching
Are you the "one" people come to for peace, understanding, advice, structure, deadlines, shoulders to cry, ears to listen, ridin or dyin, reeling it in, speaking truth in love etc OR like me have you been that for people because it's "emotionally safer"?
Well the time is now (I say as I tap myself on the shoulder and slap myself in the face with all the advice and love space I've given to others) to reach out and get "coached".
For those who may be randomly reading this blog or just don't know because I've been "emotionally safe", I want to be a spiritual life counselor/coach. I've "known" this for about six years now. In 2006, I broke a three-inch thick board with my hand after doing a visualization exercise. I had to write my ideal role on one side of the board and my perceived and actual barriers on the opposite side. The confirmation came as I broke the board and felt the Holy Spirit and all the Universe's energy pushing/encouraging me. It was an amazing experience.
SIDE BAR: If you don't believe you can have encounters with the Holy Spirit without the "church" environment/people, I would encourage you to explore readings about experiencing God in everyday life. There are actually quite a few biblical references to God/angels/Jesus speaking to/having encounters with ordinary people in their ordinary, everyday life. I am reading a book entitled The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything: A Spirituality for Real Life right now and I am sure if you google this topic you will find other resources as well.
So the question is WHY, after that experience, has it taken me six years to move on this? Although excuses are idle tools, I allowed life to happen (relationship, marriage, baby, job change, ANOTHER baby AND ANOTHER job change, which ironically put me back in the same place/similar job where I had my confirmation...wow!) and I moved it to the back burner.
Ok, ok, that really doesn't answer the question (I was made for this coaching thing...please forgive me, this blog came to me while I was making lunch...I am typing and thinking at the same time..LOL). Keeping with my truth and speaking the truth in love to myself...The TRUTH is that in all the coaching and counseling I have done/do with others, I had not ALLOWED OTHERS TO LOVE ME in the same way. I know you might be like whoa, whoa we're talking about coaching right? However, if you suffer from the "issue/insecurity" I talked about in the intro to this post, I can tell you unequivocally that you've prevented the Universe (through people's encouraging/coaching) from loving you.
As I type this my eyes and heart are filling with tears (again I apologize, this is a spontaneous post). I realize in this very moment by not seeking out and allowing good people to assist me in this journey, I have not been allowing God to love/guide me - the same love He's shown me a million times before...the same encouragement the Holy Spirit and Universe had shown me when I broke the board six years ago.
I think my revelation/reality check came as I was having an unrelated conversation with a colleague (and now mentor :-)). As we were talking about some joint programming we were planning to do, she mentioned a contact who might serve as a good speaker because she was a life coach. I randomly mentioned that I had an interest in becoming a spiritual life coach. She gave me that perplexed look that people who "know" me have given because I had withheld this information. She spoke some very encouraging words to me that I have heard many times before about "that making a lot of sense knowing me". So of course she asked me what I had been doing to bring this to fruition and I answered truthfully - very little. She began to give me information and advice and contacts. I assume she could tell by the look on my face that something was not quite sitting well with me (she was correct - partly because I am an internal processer AND partly because I had that uncomfortable feeling produced from not feeling emotionally safe. In my Resolutions post, I reference a book entitled Changes that Heal, which talks about this concept). She laughed and told me how she felt sort of silly telling ME (the career counselor, advice giver, encourager, task master etc) this stuff. I was moved to be transparent with her...it was time. I humbly opened up to her by saying "even those who coach, need coaching".
Now that I have purged, my logic is asking "Now why did you write this again?" Yes for purging but also for accountability. I am a firm believer that writing something - making it tangible - holds us accountable, if to no one else, to ourselves. Also as my blog description states, I am all about guiding purpose...I was made for it (I like the sound of that :-)). I go through, not just for me, but for you. I can even go as far as to ask you to substitute any word you like for "coach" ie. ..those who support, need supporting; ...those who love, need loving; those who give, need giving (to) etc. It is time to accept it AND to seek it out. Yes it's scary (very), but it is necessary to be fully who you were intended to be.
So NOW I have deadlines set, contacts to connect with and one meeting already set up (YAY me!). I appreciate all who have allowed me to use their ears to listen and have spoke the truth in love to me. I accept!!!!
Well the time is now (I say as I tap myself on the shoulder and slap myself in the face with all the advice and love space I've given to others) to reach out and get "coached".
For those who may be randomly reading this blog or just don't know because I've been "emotionally safe", I want to be a spiritual life counselor/coach. I've "known" this for about six years now. In 2006, I broke a three-inch thick board with my hand after doing a visualization exercise. I had to write my ideal role on one side of the board and my perceived and actual barriers on the opposite side. The confirmation came as I broke the board and felt the Holy Spirit and all the Universe's energy pushing/encouraging me. It was an amazing experience.
SIDE BAR: If you don't believe you can have encounters with the Holy Spirit without the "church" environment/people, I would encourage you to explore readings about experiencing God in everyday life. There are actually quite a few biblical references to God/angels/Jesus speaking to/having encounters with ordinary people in their ordinary, everyday life. I am reading a book entitled The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything: A Spirituality for Real Life right now and I am sure if you google this topic you will find other resources as well.
So the question is WHY, after that experience, has it taken me six years to move on this? Although excuses are idle tools, I allowed life to happen (relationship, marriage, baby, job change, ANOTHER baby AND ANOTHER job change, which ironically put me back in the same place/similar job where I had my confirmation...wow!) and I moved it to the back burner.
Ok, ok, that really doesn't answer the question (I was made for this coaching thing...please forgive me, this blog came to me while I was making lunch...I am typing and thinking at the same time..LOL). Keeping with my truth and speaking the truth in love to myself...The TRUTH is that in all the coaching and counseling I have done/do with others, I had not ALLOWED OTHERS TO LOVE ME in the same way. I know you might be like whoa, whoa we're talking about coaching right? However, if you suffer from the "issue/insecurity" I talked about in the intro to this post, I can tell you unequivocally that you've prevented the Universe (through people's encouraging/coaching) from loving you.
As I type this my eyes and heart are filling with tears (again I apologize, this is a spontaneous post). I realize in this very moment by not seeking out and allowing good people to assist me in this journey, I have not been allowing God to love/guide me - the same love He's shown me a million times before...the same encouragement the Holy Spirit and Universe had shown me when I broke the board six years ago.
I think my revelation/reality check came as I was having an unrelated conversation with a colleague (and now mentor :-)). As we were talking about some joint programming we were planning to do, she mentioned a contact who might serve as a good speaker because she was a life coach. I randomly mentioned that I had an interest in becoming a spiritual life coach. She gave me that perplexed look that people who "know" me have given because I had withheld this information. She spoke some very encouraging words to me that I have heard many times before about "that making a lot of sense knowing me". So of course she asked me what I had been doing to bring this to fruition and I answered truthfully - very little. She began to give me information and advice and contacts. I assume she could tell by the look on my face that something was not quite sitting well with me (she was correct - partly because I am an internal processer AND partly because I had that uncomfortable feeling produced from not feeling emotionally safe. In my Resolutions post, I reference a book entitled Changes that Heal, which talks about this concept). She laughed and told me how she felt sort of silly telling ME (the career counselor, advice giver, encourager, task master etc) this stuff. I was moved to be transparent with her...it was time. I humbly opened up to her by saying "even those who coach, need coaching".
Now that I have purged, my logic is asking "Now why did you write this again?" Yes for purging but also for accountability. I am a firm believer that writing something - making it tangible - holds us accountable, if to no one else, to ourselves. Also as my blog description states, I am all about guiding purpose...I was made for it (I like the sound of that :-)). I go through, not just for me, but for you. I can even go as far as to ask you to substitute any word you like for "coach" ie. ..those who support, need supporting; ...those who love, need loving; those who give, need giving (to) etc. It is time to accept it AND to seek it out. Yes it's scary (very), but it is necessary to be fully who you were intended to be.
So NOW I have deadlines set, contacts to connect with and one meeting already set up (YAY me!). I appreciate all who have allowed me to use their ears to listen and have spoke the truth in love to me. I accept!!!!
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
It IS finished
Over the weekend I was keeping my promise to myself and writing at least one post, however I kept getting stopped (mentally) in writing it. I guess my spirit was telling me there is something more pressing and "right now" that i should address. I was talking with a friend about deadlines and time-lines a while ago and had an idea to write a post about it with the same title, however life/revelation happened and another blog along the same vein came to fruition.
SIDE BAR: This blogging thing is hard for me as I am still trying to reconcile writing when life/revelations happen directly to me, through me to others or directly to others AND writing posts as a writer (meaning constantly having a flow of weekly/biweekly posts on topics of interest). As I work through that my blog might become a hodge podge of both until my true voice/perspective blooms.
I have a friend who recently found out that his ex had some sort of intimate encounter with his friend (kiss or more has not yet been determined - but not really relevant). They had been on and off for five years and were currently off but obvious he was still the VERY hurt by the situation. Fast forward a few days and he is working on himself (great), refocus his attention on his spirit and making sure his life is in order (again great). We know that God works things out for our good, however that is not the focus of this post.
He said something that made me pause and reflect..."I think it is still meant for me to marry her, so I need to work on my issues" Now, I am an reconciliation advocate. ANYONE who knows me well knows that I will advise someone to TRY and work things out before walking away from a situation...HOWEVER (big, big, big however), I believe that we sometimes do some detrimental things when we are AFRAID to let things be finished. Yes I said afraid!
Sometimes when we think we are being caring, understanding, being the better person, the "if I don't who will" person, "turning the other cheek" or the "I did things wrong too/i am broken" person, we are really staying because we are afraid of letting go. And often times that is fueled by the guilt of our own shortcomings. If a relationship is truly broken (as this one obvious is right now) then we CANNOT fix it or ourselves while in it. Let me explain, many times we want to work on fixing ourselves while staying in the very situation(s) that is (are) aggravating our brokenness to begin with. Some may say but they were broken up. Yea, yea but there is a big difference between "not focusing on" something and truly letting it go. He had not let go of the situation he just repressed, wasn't dealing, focused on work etc. He was still emotionally invested thus why they have been going back and forth for five years.
I asked him to explain and he talked about how he was selfish (is..lol), lacks good communication skills in his close, personal relationships (yes) and is hard to love (un huh). He talked about how he has apologized to her about his shortcomings and she has accepted, however he knows he has hurt her.
He is probably very correct in his assessment, HOWEVER (another big big big however) this does not equate to stay...that only equates to needing to forgive HIMSELF. Not sure if I will convey this next point well but here is it (share your thoughts if you think otherwise or have a better way of expressing it :-)). The ups and downs (our issues/brokenness that we all bring to relationships) in their relationship (any relationship/friendship) DOES NOT give her (anyone) a pass to "hook up" with his friend (uncaringly, selfishly hurt you). Someone that TRULY cares/cared about you at any point, would not do that to you PERIOD! It seemed as though he was "making excuses" for her behavior because he didn't want to let go (I think he felt this way too).
I have seen this in other friends as well as they navigate relationships and friendships. That FEAR of letting go - the work, the hurt, the continuing to feel "some kind a way" about the person, their life, what they are saying/doing on facebook/twitter/listservs etc, the process of detoxing.
Some people believe it is easy to let go, but o to the contrary especially when you have not reconciled your issues in general...it will always come back to "was this my fault"? The guilt of how you treated that person or others (if you are not being introspective, seeking therapy and working on self) can serve as a crutch for staying.
We must be ok with letting go, working on ourselves and THEN if it is meant to reconcile then great. I am telling you once you are done with working on your healing and focusing on your purpose it will be VERY clear whether reconciliation is the appropriate course and you will be at total peace (i smile in my heart when I think about the peace that comes from knowing God has directed/is directing you) with it.
Now will they get back together (will you reconcile), who knows BUT what I DO know is that FOR NOW..IT IS FINISHED (and that IS ok).
RESOURCE UPDATE...1.25.12
I was talking to a friend about an assignment she had to do for class regarding forgiveness. In her search to find forgivenss rituals, she came across one that she shared with me and I thought it would be a GREAT ressource addition to this post. Although I mentioned a variety of elements that prevent us from believe it IS finished, forgiveness might be the most hindering. I believe this to be so because it MAY require us to forgive another without their help or without closure from them. Also to truly do work on ourselves, we must forgive those who may have hurt us and forgive ourselves for continuing to dwell on the hurt.
So hopefully this resource will start you on the forgiveness/healing journey toward setting healthy boundaries in your life
Healing Ritual "Forgiveness"
SIDE BAR: This blogging thing is hard for me as I am still trying to reconcile writing when life/revelations happen directly to me, through me to others or directly to others AND writing posts as a writer (meaning constantly having a flow of weekly/biweekly posts on topics of interest). As I work through that my blog might become a hodge podge of both until my true voice/perspective blooms.
I have a friend who recently found out that his ex had some sort of intimate encounter with his friend (kiss or more has not yet been determined - but not really relevant). They had been on and off for five years and were currently off but obvious he was still the VERY hurt by the situation. Fast forward a few days and he is working on himself (great), refocus his attention on his spirit and making sure his life is in order (again great). We know that God works things out for our good, however that is not the focus of this post.
He said something that made me pause and reflect..."I think it is still meant for me to marry her, so I need to work on my issues" Now, I am an reconciliation advocate. ANYONE who knows me well knows that I will advise someone to TRY and work things out before walking away from a situation...HOWEVER (big, big, big however), I believe that we sometimes do some detrimental things when we are AFRAID to let things be finished. Yes I said afraid!
Sometimes when we think we are being caring, understanding, being the better person, the "if I don't who will" person, "turning the other cheek" or the "I did things wrong too/i am broken" person, we are really staying because we are afraid of letting go. And often times that is fueled by the guilt of our own shortcomings. If a relationship is truly broken (as this one obvious is right now) then we CANNOT fix it or ourselves while in it. Let me explain, many times we want to work on fixing ourselves while staying in the very situation(s) that is (are) aggravating our brokenness to begin with. Some may say but they were broken up. Yea, yea but there is a big difference between "not focusing on" something and truly letting it go. He had not let go of the situation he just repressed, wasn't dealing, focused on work etc. He was still emotionally invested thus why they have been going back and forth for five years.
I asked him to explain and he talked about how he was selfish (is..lol), lacks good communication skills in his close, personal relationships (yes) and is hard to love (un huh). He talked about how he has apologized to her about his shortcomings and she has accepted, however he knows he has hurt her.
He is probably very correct in his assessment, HOWEVER (another big big big however) this does not equate to stay...that only equates to needing to forgive HIMSELF. Not sure if I will convey this next point well but here is it (share your thoughts if you think otherwise or have a better way of expressing it :-)). The ups and downs (our issues/brokenness that we all bring to relationships) in their relationship (any relationship/friendship) DOES NOT give her (anyone) a pass to "hook up" with his friend (uncaringly, selfishly hurt you). Someone that TRULY cares/cared about you at any point, would not do that to you PERIOD! It seemed as though he was "making excuses" for her behavior because he didn't want to let go (I think he felt this way too).
I have seen this in other friends as well as they navigate relationships and friendships. That FEAR of letting go - the work, the hurt, the continuing to feel "some kind a way" about the person, their life, what they are saying/doing on facebook/twitter/listservs etc, the process of detoxing.
Some people believe it is easy to let go, but o to the contrary especially when you have not reconciled your issues in general...it will always come back to "was this my fault"? The guilt of how you treated that person or others (if you are not being introspective, seeking therapy and working on self) can serve as a crutch for staying.
We must be ok with letting go, working on ourselves and THEN if it is meant to reconcile then great. I am telling you once you are done with working on your healing and focusing on your purpose it will be VERY clear whether reconciliation is the appropriate course and you will be at total peace (i smile in my heart when I think about the peace that comes from knowing God has directed/is directing you) with it.
Now will they get back together (will you reconcile), who knows BUT what I DO know is that FOR NOW..IT IS FINISHED (and that IS ok).
RESOURCE UPDATE...1.25.12
I was talking to a friend about an assignment she had to do for class regarding forgiveness. In her search to find forgivenss rituals, she came across one that she shared with me and I thought it would be a GREAT ressource addition to this post. Although I mentioned a variety of elements that prevent us from believe it IS finished, forgiveness might be the most hindering. I believe this to be so because it MAY require us to forgive another without their help or without closure from them. Also to truly do work on ourselves, we must forgive those who may have hurt us and forgive ourselves for continuing to dwell on the hurt.
So hopefully this resource will start you on the forgiveness/healing journey toward setting healthy boundaries in your life
Healing Ritual "Forgiveness"