It IS finished

Over the weekend I was keeping my promise to myself and writing at least one post, however I kept getting stopped (mentally) in writing it.  I guess my spirit was telling me there is something more pressing and "right now" that i should address.  I was talking with a friend about deadlines and time-lines a while ago and had an idea to write a post about it with the same title, however life/revelation happened and another blog along the same vein came to fruition.

SIDE BAR: This blogging thing is hard for me as I am still trying to reconcile writing when life/revelations happen directly to me, through me to others or directly to others AND writing posts as a writer (meaning constantly having a flow of weekly/biweekly posts on topics of interest).  As I work through that my blog might become a hodge podge of both until my true voice/perspective blooms.

I have a friend who recently found out that his ex had some sort of intimate encounter with his friend (kiss or more has not yet been determined - but not really relevant).  They had been on and off for five years and were currently off but obvious he was still the VERY hurt by the situation.  Fast forward a few days and he is working on himself (great), refocus his attention on his spirit and making sure his life is in order (again great).  We know that God works things out for our good, however that is not the focus of this post.

He said something that made me pause and reflect..."I think it is still meant for me to marry her, so I need to work on my issues"  Now, I am an reconciliation advocate.  ANYONE who knows me well knows that I will advise someone to TRY and work things out before walking away from a situation...HOWEVER (big, big, big however), I believe that we sometimes do some detrimental things when we are AFRAID to let things be finished.  Yes I said afraid!

Sometimes when we think we are being caring, understanding, being the better person, the "if I don't who will" person, "turning the other cheek" or the "I did things wrong too/i am broken" person, we are really staying because we are afraid of letting go.  And often times that is fueled by the guilt of our own shortcomings.  If a relationship is truly broken (as this one obvious is right now) then we CANNOT fix it or ourselves while in it.  Let me explain, many times we want to work on fixing ourselves while staying in the very situation(s) that is (are) aggravating our brokenness to begin with.  Some may say but they were broken up.  Yea, yea but there is a big difference between "not focusing on" something and truly letting it go.  He had not let go of the situation he just repressed, wasn't dealing, focused on work etc.  He was still emotionally invested thus why they have been going back and forth for five years.

I asked him to explain and he talked about how he was selfish (is..lol), lacks good communication skills in his close, personal relationships (yes) and is hard to love (un huh).  He talked about how he has apologized to her about his shortcomings and she has accepted, however he knows he has hurt her.

He is probably very correct in his assessment, HOWEVER (another big big big however) this does not equate to stay...that only equates to needing to forgive HIMSELF.  Not sure if I will convey this next point well but here is it (share your thoughts if you think otherwise or have a better way of expressing it :-)).  The ups and downs (our issues/brokenness that we all bring to relationships) in their relationship (any relationship/friendship) DOES NOT give her (anyone) a pass to "hook up" with his friend (uncaringly, selfishly hurt you).  Someone that TRULY cares/cared about you at any point, would not do that to you PERIOD!  It seemed as though he was "making excuses" for her behavior because he didn't want to let go (I think he felt this way too).

I have seen this in other friends as well as they navigate relationships and friendships.  That FEAR of letting go - the work, the hurt, the continuing to feel "some kind a way" about the person, their life, what they are saying/doing on facebook/twitter/listservs etc, the process of detoxing.

Some people believe it is easy to let go, but o to the contrary especially when you have not reconciled your issues in general...it will always come back to "was this my fault"?  The guilt of how you treated that person or others (if you are not being introspective, seeking therapy and working on self) can serve as a crutch for staying.

We must be ok with letting go, working on ourselves and THEN if it is meant to reconcile then great.  I am telling you once you are done with working on your healing and focusing on your purpose it will be VERY clear whether reconciliation is the appropriate course and you will be at total peace (i smile in my heart when I think about the peace that comes from knowing God has directed/is directing you) with it.

Now will they get back together (will you reconcile), who knows BUT what I DO know is that FOR NOW..IT IS FINISHED (and that IS ok).



RESOURCE UPDATE...1.25.12
I was talking to a friend about an assignment she had to do for class regarding forgiveness.  In her search to find forgivenss rituals, she came across one that she shared with me and I thought it would be a GREAT ressource addition to this post.  Although I mentioned a variety of elements that prevent us from believe it IS finished, forgiveness might be the most hindering.  I believe this to be so because it MAY require us to forgive another without their help or without closure from them.  Also to truly do work on ourselves, we must forgive those who may have hurt us and forgive ourselves for continuing to dwell on the hurt. 

So hopefully this resource will start you on the forgiveness/healing journey toward setting healthy boundaries in your life

Healing Ritual "Forgiveness"