Tossed like a doggon wave!

I woke up this morning at about 5 ish realizing I had been like the waves mentioned in James 1:6-8.  Not only had I not been exercising my faith, BUT I had not even asked!

There are ALOT of impending transitions at my job, ALOT of speculation, not enough and too much communication going on which makes for a recovering worry wart's, an over-analysis paralysis sufferer's, an ambiguity phobe's worst NIGHTMARE (dramatics intended...can you feel my soul screaming?  A scream is welling up in my chest now...LOL  1...2...3...Breathe).  All the "advice" I share with others about faith, I had failed to even ask, let alone BELIEVE in this situation.

On my growth quest, I am learning not to BE or LIVE constantly in the story of my past: growing up with no connections and not really belonging anywhere or with anyone.  Instead, I am learning to grow and learn from those experiences, helping myself and others.  The FIRST lesson in that journey is to REMEMBER HOW and WHAT God has brought you through as well as WHERE He has brought you to.  I failed to remember and apply it to this situation.

It shouldn't matter what others are or are not doing in the situation MY faith should be with Him.  However, I let my emotions, attitude and voice be "blown and tossed" like a doggon wave!

I became angry and then sad at myself.  How did I allow that to happen?  I feel like David and his many times of apologizing and seeking mercy/forgiveness from God.  I apologized that I had truly missed Him in all this.  How did I miss Him?  I am still trying to fully understand it in order to recognize and not repeat in the future but I think this situation was a "trigger". 

As I mentioned, I am a recovering ambiguity phobe (among other things), which stems from the ambiguity of my childhood.  Certainty = safety (falsely) for me (working on this).  So ANY situation the produces too much ambiguity drudges up "unsafe emotions" for me that I have to actively and aggressively fight against.  BUT, I must first recognize it as such, which as I grow I have learned (and obviously still learning*smile*) to do. 

I recognized it when our office was told in September that some "changes" would happen.  I wavered (but didn't fall) when December came and there was not much nor effective communication.  Oh, but add in some transitions of staff, the "issues" of those in leadership, random speculation and TIME and I forgot about HIM.  The saddest thing for me is that I THOUGHT I was focusing on Him but I really was not.  I was saying it, but not practicing it.  (Similarly to the seeds in the Parable of the Sower - specifically the seeds thrown amongst the rocks Matthew 13).

Instead of "leaning into" the confusion and leaning on what He has always done for me and BELIEVING beyond what I SAW happening, I gave into it.  I allowed my emotions (waves) to be tossed by my conditions (winds).

Soooo now I am settling my waves.  Focusing on my Compass, my Rock, my Faith.  I am "leaning into" the ambiguity and leaning on my Clarity (for me that is God).

I will no longer blame others or the situations for how I am allowing them to make me feel/react.  I own it!  This situation no longer has control.  The Uni-verse/God DOES!

I have this verse posted on a sticky note in my office "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters"~Colossians 3:23 with a note REMEMBER YOU WORK FOR HIM NOT THEM!  I had that versus posted at my old job and reposted it as a reminder...for such a time as this!  What an analogy - God is as close to me as that sticky note yet I missed it/Him until this morning.  I get it God!

We must make an effort to find our Center/our Source even when everything around us is tossing us!  Fight to cling to/get to/reconnect with YOUR Source, which is NOT found in the situation or person that is causing you to be tossed.

Although I am mad and sad at myself, I know He has forgiven me and I will forgive myself.  I will lean into the chaos/uncertainty and lean on what has been certain in my life.  I get it now God!

Selah!

Not Deciding IS Deciding

I have been mentally stirring up this post for a few days, not sure what ingredients to add to fill the soul.  I really feel like I am mentally creating soup when I am contemplating a post.  You can add so many different things to a soup and come up with so many different flavors and variations of soup.  But enough about soup.


Being a career coach at a university, this time of year becomes notoriously known as the procrastinator's motivation.  It is the last two weeks of school and my schedule fills up with appointments to see graduating seniors who, for a myriad of reasons, have waited until the last minute to focus on the career part of life after college.  Some come in with realistic expectations that this process may take more than the last two weeks.  But  SOME have not thought about it at all and hope that by some miracle or magic all their career aspirations/checklist items will come to fruition by the time they walk across the stage (ever heard of "your procrastination is NOT my emergency"?  I say that quite often this time of year.)


I find myself, more often than not, asking them questions that go unanswered or receiving an answer like "I hadn't decided on that yet."  So I lovingly tell them that in fact they HAD decided.  Whatever the decision-making blockers (procrastination, fear (of outcome, responsibility etc), lack of prioritizing etc or in some cases a combination of any and everything) by not deciding they actually did decide.  They decided they would not focus on it until that very moment.


Once that sinks in one of two things happens without fail: I either assist them with formulating a plan, reset their expectations and we get to work OR they leave and we don't see them again (picturing a rolling tumble weed in a dry desert "inserting sound of the wind blowing" and no one in sight) AGAIN  another decision made via avoidance (which should be added to the list of blockers above!).


I think many of us fall victim to the "non-decision syndrome" (yes I made that up*smile*).  Because of the blockers listed in the scenario above, we find ourselves in this syndrome and call it something else, like staying neutral or waiting on God.


There is a season for everything.  There is a time to be neutral.  There is a time to wait (actively anticipating an answer) on God.  However, when it comes to decision-making (as with most other concepts), it all comes down to MOTIVE.  Why are/aren't you making this decision?  If the answer, either way, is one of those blockers previously mentioned (fear etc) then you need to do the opposite!  

If you are deciding out of fear, hold off on that decision for a while.  If you are "waiting" to decide out of fear, then figure out what that fear is, "lean into" the fear and MAKE A DECISION!

At the end of the day whether you make a decision or not, YOU are RESPONSIBLE for the decision you do or do not make.  I found those who rely on others or situations to decide or not on their behalf, tend to also try to place the blame on that person/situation when the outcome is not what they intended.  But as I said before, YOU are RESPONSIBLE for the decisions you do or do not make even if you decided to let someone/something else make that decision for you.  A bit of tough love.


We must trust our decision-making abilities. I don't believe one is born with the ability to make decisions or the knowledge as to when or when not to make a decision.  It is learned behavior that tends to start in childhood.  The more we make decisions and have faith that the outcome will be fine no matter what, the more we will trust our decision-making abilities and the blockers will no longer be invited to the party (or if they show up, they will be happily escorted out).


If you are struggle with this, start by DECIDING to answer these questions (honestly and authentically or you will be DECIDING to waste time) : 

• What are you NOT DECIDING on?  
• Why are you NOT DECIDING?  
• What do you need to hold yourself accountable (timeline/deadline, a person)?
• How can you move out of the non-decision syndrome and own your decision-making?

Happy Deciding*smile*

Honest Assessment: The Jagged Little Pill

During this time of reflection, I am spending it focusing on my growth and development as a person.  I felt led to ask some close friends and colleagues to conduct an assessment on me.  My hope is to take their words, reflect on them and mediate on them via conversations with God.  I do a lot of self reflecting and analyzing, however sometimes our perception of ourselves (good and bad) is not the self we project or give to the world.  I do assessments with students and alumni all the time and most of the time these assessments (personality, interest, strengths etc) are based around their career development/exploration but some times I encounter someone who wants to reassess their major/career choices and receive a "reality check" about those choices.  I am working with a senior now, who's graduating in about five weeks or so, who wants to reassess her career choice.  Pretty brave and scary stuff.  After we debriefed, I asked her if her assessment reveals something that is total outside of what she is currently studying/wanting to go into now, does she plan to do anything about it.   Of course she had to think about it.  It is one thing to want clarity/feedback, but it is a whole other matter deciding what we will do with that information, if anything AND are we READY for it.


It is so important that we do assessments like this not just with people who love us and know us but with people who have only known us for a short time (on my to do list).  It serves as that "reality check" to our life choices and purposes.  It also provides us with positive points about who we are to the world.  However, we must be ready to "receive" the information being shared with us AND we must know what, if anything, we will do with the information once we have it.


I must be honest, I was nervous about the responses I would get and my heart would beat fast every time I got a email entitled Re: Self-Assessment (YIKES).  As a person who struggles with fear and taking risks I analyzed why I was willing to take this risk (this is something I am focusing on in general because there is no rhyme or reason as to why I will take some risk but waiver on others - more to come on that).   There's no shrugging the ones you love off as "haters" LOL. For me it was a nudge from within and when that happens I have the courage/faith to move on that nudge in most cases.


SIDE BAR: After I reread this for editing I saw that I might have found my "rhyme/reason" to my risk taking methods.  Bah Humbug!  The favorite word of one of my close friends - typically said when she knows I am right but she doesn't want me to be..LOL.  Kind of strange typing out the analysis/ah ha moments that usually goes on in my head.


Again, the point of my assessment was to see others perception of me.  What "me" was I giving the world? Was that the "me" God intended me to be/give?  Was that the "me" I wanted to be/give?  I was slapped HARD in the face by some of the perceptions.  I prayed, received and swallowed my jagged little pill (shout out to Alanis Morissette - still love her!).  I was/am ready to do something with the information.


I told my student to think about it and make a follow up appointment IF she was ready to receive the information that MAY come from the assessment.  No pressure.  We have an appointment next week*smile*.


If you are interested in seeing the message and simple questions I sent out to garner my feedback, I have included it below.  Please feel free to use as is or tweak it to fit your needs.  I left my questions more open as to allow the person to flow in any direction they liked, however they felt compelled to respond.  The key here is to make sure you are receiving what you need to know/assess and that you are ready for the information.

As I go through this season of reflection, spiritual discipline and becoming more focus and centered on Christ and in general, I am doing reflections for self improvement.  I feel called to ask others to assess me.  Sometimes we have a perspective of ourselves (good and bad) that may or may not be in line with who we present ourselves to be to others.  With that being said, I want to ask you as a person close to me to provide me with the following:

Why do you allow me in your life?
What are my strengths (in general from your perspective)?
What are my challenges (in general from your perspective)?

Please be as honest as you can.  This is not or will not be a reflection on our relationship.  This is 100% about me.  I trust your thoughts and will use your feedback as part of my reflections and conversations with God. 

Being mindful of your time, if I could have a response before Easter that would be great.

Thank you so much for helping me. 

Love Nika