My mom passed away two months ago today (6.27.12 @ 12:22 p.m.). I felt it was finally time to write her post. I chuckled as I typed "her post". When I started this blog, I never thought I would write an entire post for/around my mom...but if I think about it all of my post in one way or the other have been about my love (or missing love) of my mother.
I must start this off by saying, this post is about a love story. It will make more sense later but definitely I want the essence of this message to be about love. I briefly spoke about the struggles I thought I had overcome around my mom in a previous post entitled Resolutions. Again a laughable moment because I was so off the mark about what needed to happen to heal. I hope this post, more than any I have written, speaks life to someone.
It was on a Tuesday afternoon when I received the call that mommy was ill again but this time it was before her dialysis appointment. Mommy getting sick enough to go to the emergency room was happening every 5-6 weeks but typically after her dialysis treatments, so this caused my heart to become slightly anxious.
Long story shortened, mommy was entered into ICU that day and I was thrust into a twister of doctors, directions and diagnosis that culminated in my needing to make the decision to stop the temporary fixes and put mommy directly into hospice care...lots and lots of slow deep breaths. God has many ways of bringing us to the realization that we have actually been avoiding intimate and/or hard decisions in our relationships. I couldn't have been more emotionally detached from my mother, although I was caring for her and now I was being called to make very intimate and important decisions on her behalf. I felt so vulnerable and lost... right back to that little girl I referred to in the Resolutions post (REALITY CHECKED). That little girl...my inner little girl is very important in this love story.
As I always do I pulled it together and handled the business and logistics of her being ill. Game face on...emotions, vulnerability stuffed. It wasnt until my husband and I met with hospice the next day that I realized my mom's end was nearer than I had allowed myself to believe. This was a Wednesday.
I asked my husband to notify my family and allowed them space and time with my mom. I tried to sink in the background literally and figuratively during their time visiting. After my family departed on that following Tuesday, mommy and I finally had time alone. Time I hadn't necessarily sought out before, but craved A LOT now. Although she was breathing on her own, she wasn't eating or very responsive via conversation. At times I would talk about everything and nothing and stroking her hands and arms. To be honest I didn't really know what to say. I spent a lot of time in silence with her, which made my craving to be with her alone all the more confusing for me.
In a moment of silence, I heard a voice say "Listen!". Then as clear as I hear my Pandora station as I write this post, I heard my mommy's voice calling me. Although she spoke no words, she was calling me as though she was looking for me. I answered, the little girl in me answered "Yes, mommy I am here!" There were a lot of words that came in the form of energy and felt like hugs and kisses. The powerful statements I remember were "You're everything I prayed for my life to be." "You are my future!". "I have been searching for your spirit since I lost you as a little girl". "You are enough so don't live your life trying to prove this to others. I wasted alot of time doing this in my life" "i love you...you know how much i love you right?" It was like all the mommying, love and care that had not been given in almost 30 years was poured into me.
All the things I had yearned to hear from her and had searched for in others, were given in that moment, in her room, while we were alone, with no literal words being shared, on that Tuesday. Our spirits had reconnected in her dying and in my mourning. I was reconciled with my first love...my first soulmate. I envision God was there serving as a mediator so that our spirits could connect at that time, in that moment.
I left that evening so full...so at peace. I cried and processed and cried some more. On Wednesday at 4 am I received a call that mommy's breathing had changed. Mommy took her last breath at 12:22 pm. I felt so blessed and honored that she made sure she didn't leave to be with God until her baby knew how much she was loved. I am brought to tears as I type this. I rubbed her and kissed her and thanked her for loving me so much. This IS a love story.
No matter the day or the time...IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO RECONCILE. Although many might say but she's dead now so you can't experience this love with her again, I must disagree. I am experiencing so much love from her now and will forever. I am sometimes overwhelmed by the energy of love I feel from her. Not only from her, but from the God of the Universe who sent His Son to die for me as well as allowed me to reconcile with my mom in what would seem like the 9th hour. It solidified for me that reconciliation in all forms is always an option...always open...always available. Because love is always an option, always open and always available. Our delayed reconnection did not stem from the impossibility of it, it stemmed from our inability to allow our spirit to lead under the mediation of God (the love that brought us together before time).
I pray if you are needing reconciliation that your spirit be open to hearing from the one with whom you want to reconcile as well as being open to those who need to reconcile with you. You must move your flesh, your thoughts, your ego/pride, your emotions to the side so that you can hear your spirit. I am a walking testimony that love (God) WILL find a way to show you that you are loved beyond measure. Open your spirit and listen.
Mommy - thank you so much for finding me, for loving me. I miss you, Judy Ann Fisher.
