Thanks to one of my Sistafriends who recently discovered my old blog post, I'm back again for the first time! I think that's someone's song or title of a song but I digress.
So much has happened in the time I've been away. Maybe I will reveal parts and pieces throughout this and future post...not explicitly though. I'm not the autobiographical type. For those who know me or have been reading my post from the past, know i am an open book when it comes to revealing truths. I always start with me...meaning my post are more epiphanies I've had or am having as I live, learn and love through this life. I shared because I'm a giver and encourager. If I'm honest/authentic without myself and chose to share then I will give you my truth as well, no matter how vulnerable it makes me. Again digressing. It's been so long, I feel like I have to reintroduce myself...now that's Jay-Z. Love him.
So this year I've been focusing more on being authentically me and with that have come some spring times (newest, growth, blossoms, freshness) and some winter (cold, death, stillness). One of the main things I've learned ( or been reminded of) is that life and lessons are cyclical. Just when you think you've mastered an area, like a video game or the changing of seasons, a new level/season of learning happens. It has been a long time coming for me to focus on me. I've always been one to focus my energies on other people. I was built to support others, be a giver, encourager, motivator, to discern needs and either give it or facilitate the need being fulfilled. When I was younger, I used these gifts for bad in that I was a people pleaser. I believed if I did and was what others wanted, they in turn would love me. Of course, You get hurt a lot doing that because love is not garnered that way. So I learned over time that I'm worthy of love no matter what and that being a giver/pouring into others is not a bad thing as long as I'm pouring into myself as well. I learned that as long as I am being my authentic self and giving because that is what I was made for and not for validation, I would be at peace.
Now I know you're probably thinking, ok what does this have to do with the title of this post because that's what you should be focused on right? Well yes but here's the thing...in my quest for authenticity and attempting to be and live my truths, I made the mistake of assuming I had mastered the concept of being a giver/pouring into others is not a bad thing as long as I'm pouring into myself as well. I recently found myself getting drained from giving and I didn't know why. I was having those old school feelings of worthlessness and unworthiness. I couldn't understand what the issue was and I wouldn't let my mind think it was an issue I had "checked off" the issues list. I'm a checklist, no gray area type of person. As much as I can, I like to put things in their "order". Helps me make sense of the world and people. This blessing/curse is why I believed I had checked giver issue off the list. Hey I recognized the issue and I had put it into practice, right? I'm good, right? I chuckle as I type this because it seemed so logical at the time...and the fact that I thought it would be logical is even funnier...digression.
What I recently realized is I was way too focused on the big picture issue and not the small behaviors that caused me to fail miserably when faced with giver issue again. I love to listen to my friends talk... I learn so much about them and I honestly get most of my epiphanies about my life from listening. One of friends recently was talking about work and his employees. I can't remember the scenario exactly but he ended up telling an employee that they were way too focused in the wrong shit and that's why they can't learn what he was attempting to show them. He'd said that phrase "focused on the wrong shit" many other times before but this time it resonated with me.
One of my small behaviors was my thinking...the simple thoughts I spoke to myself all day, everyday about who I was and who I was to this world. Now I'm focus on the root issue and not my response to the world...see my post entitled Working on it. It will make more sense 😊. Random but no longer preventing myself from being vulnerable in this world.
