Waiting for hope...

I thought I was clinically depressed.  I put on my daily mask and tried to not spew negativity on those around me.  I drank an extra glass of wine or herbal remedies to sleep and not be anxious.  The thought of being depressed made me feel more depressed.  My life has changed and continues to change and honestly, I didn't/don't like it.  It's inconvenient on the surface, but what people don't realize is that change, positive or negative, not only affects you physically, mentally and emotionally, but also chemically.  My change/changing is not necessarily positive but not negative either but it has taken the life and comfort I had known and turned it upside down kinda like tilling land before seeds are planted #Selah.

This vague and ambiguous space made me feel depressed.  I didn't want to feel, or party, or hang out or be around people (more so than normal lol).  I just didn't period.  Sounds like depression.  So if I'm not depressed, then what?  I hear you asking voices in my head.  I've realized that my peace for the past 13 years was predicated on doing everything in my power to create certainty, security and firm ground.  Needless to say, I don't have any of that now.  I am starting over in every way except my career.  COMPLETELY OVER!  

My mind, body and soul have been at complete war attempting to hang on or find any sense of certainty, security and firm ground.   This war is what I interpreted as depression.  The war was causing me to lose parts of me ...my Polly-Anna, my hope above all hope, my faith through fear.  I felt myself going more and more into myself...dying in every way...

Here's the kicker, I was actually causing this war within myself.  I was killing me by trying to fight for control when how I got to this upheaved place was the realization that my need for certainty and security had lead me to make some decisions that keep me "safe" but weren't authentic ones and didn't fit into the woman I am becoming.  #childhoodissues #lifelongprocess damn it!

So as of today, I'm done fighting.  I'm exhausted honestly.  Each day, I will work diligently to release, close my eyes and step.  One step, one day at a time.  I won't be successful some days, this I know.  I'm being tilled, turned inside out so that the better me is exposed and new seeds can be planted, nurtured and grow.  Cannot get there without the tilling.  I just keep reminding myself that this all is a process and I will wait with hope, for hope.  I will forgive myself and give myself grace.  This is not a sit and wait thing because there are things I need to do to move forward but I will not rush the process in an aggressive search for false peace.  True peace comes when you find contentment in your current circumstances no matter what those circumstances are.

Stepping and waiting for hope.  Becoming content with the tilling, #kickingandscreaming 😫😒🤗

Road Less Traveled

Today I made a move that is the road less traveled.  It won't be the popular choice or the most understood by others.  I have mixed emotions about this move but it was one that I needed to make none the less.  As I reflect, I recognize there have been moments in my life where every part of me wanted to stay safe, stay comfortable, go with the familiar or comfortable option.  Not only the option that will keep me safe but will also not hurt, disrupt, anger, irritate others.  It is in those moments when something, probably God, propelled me forward anyway.  This time I decided.  I decided to make a move that I feel is best for me. Am I terrified? Beyond anything I can describe.  Do I have any part of the moment and future figured out?  No at all.  The only thing I know is there was a choice to be made and I made it.  I fully own the choice.  And for the first time in my life, I've made peace with the fact that only I matter in the choosing.  The choice was mine to make and I made it.  This day, or should I say this epiphany, reminds me of the Robert Frost poem, The Road Not Taken.  As I came upon the choice it was as if "two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and sorry I could not travel both...".  As I do with most difficult decisions "and be one traveler, long I stood and looked down one as far as I could to where it bent in the undergrowth".  Not really wanting to make the choice at all.  But none the less "and I - I took the one less traveled by" and I know it will make all the difference! Selah Ashe

Cars and relationship...

Relationships are crazy and awesome all at the same time.  I often say and probably have mentioned in this blog a time or two that our greatest lessons in life are learned via relationships.  So while talking to my son about relationships, I remembered my experience with my first car.  I love analogies and surprisingly he caught the connection.  I was like hell, let me share it in a blog, maybe it will resonate with others ☺.

The first car I ever purchased was a 1995 Saturn.  It was white in fairly good condition.  After I slide into a car and the front left side of the hood became dented, I lovingly named it Ice Grill.  The front looked like it was giving some one the stank face...lol.  

I loved that car!  It gave me a since of independence and freedom, I hadn't felt before.  Although I loved that car, I ran it into the ground and didn't do much in the maintenance area.  Although, I didn't take care of the car, it lasted for about four years.  When I realized, I was causation for it not lasting 10 years, I was determined to one - get another Saturn and two - do what it takes to take care of it.

I now own a Saturn Vue, which is actually my third Saturn.  I took such good care of my second Saturn, I was able to trade it in and get the Saturn Vue.  The Vue is in such good condition, that I gave it away.  Saturn no longer makes cars so now I have a Toyota, which I love.

Get to the point!  Ok ok.  I really didn't know what it took to take care of a car.  I did the best I could with the information I knew.  With that being said, it was inevitable that the car would not last because I wasn't caring for the car the way I should even though I was doing the best I knew.  The key was I learned from my first Saturn how I should care for a car to ensure it last.  I learned what a car needs to be sustained over a lifetime.  Kinda works the same way in relationships.  Each relationship is different, however there are fundamental elements that are needed to sustain them over a lifetime.  We must take the time to learn what those are and DO those things.

And if by chance there were things you didn't know and the relationship doesn't last, that's ok.  Learn from it and move forward to do and be better.

Seems simple enough but you'd be surprised how many people don't do research prior to buying a car, let alone prior to getting into a relationship.  

Learn and do the maintenance to self and your relationships.  Although we can't predict if a relationship (or car) will last, if you're doing all you can to care for your relationship, the likelihood is exponentially greater.  We should decide to be intentional about the relationship agreements (like a contract) we commit to and with that agreement we must commit to doing our best.

When you know better, you should do better.

Working on it

Sorry for the title.  When I'm afraid of exposing parts of myself, I will find any reason to delay the process.  In the spirit of wanting to get this published, I didn't over think title.  Lately I've been struggling with my thoughts.  Well to be honest, I've always struggled with my thoughts.  I am an internal processor.  Most things have been analyzed ( and over analyzed) in my mind way before they are spoken or an action taken.  Internal processing, in of itself, is not a bad thing, just as thinking before you speak isn't.  It saves you from foolish statements or activates thoughtful responses.  It has saved me quite a bit as it also activates my ability to discern.  However lately I've realized that I've also allowed my thoughts to keep my heart/feelings "safe" and in turn (in hope) keeping me safe.

Those that know me, know me as an encourager...a motivator.  I've spent many years in my career and personal life serving as a counselor or coach, assisting others to reach their potential or to build up enough internal motivation to move beyond any negative thinking or circumstance.  One would assume any thoughts or self-talk I would have would be life-giving and encouraging.  Here in lies my struggle.  Although I have been known to love on the world, I have realized this last year or two that I don't love on myself.  Let me explain.  I don't want you to think this is about pampering, even though eventually that kind of self care can go by the waist side if what I'm referring to is not managed.  As I begin to discern my self talk, I realized in order to keep me " safe" I was using negative self-talk.  This, I believe, mainly stemming from the darkness of my childhood.  Things like "they won't stay, so don't get too connected." "They really don't think you're doing a great job, work harder. You must be/appear perfect." "They can't be trusted, so you need to question everything." "You have got to be/appear to be the best friend/lover/person or people will judge you and not forgive you."  I'm sure you get the jist.

Going into my 40th birthday, I started on my journey towards not only being my authentic self, but believing that who I was authentically was ok.  With this movement, my world, as I knew it or as I had created, became undone and I was completely vulnerable.  Logically and intellectually, I knew this was actually a good place to be, however emotionally that vulnerability pushed me more into myself.  Some might ask, why would that be a good place to be, vulnerable?  Without authentic vulnerability, no person can be in good/right relationship with themselves or others.  When you bear yourself authentically to the world, you open yourself to authentic love but you also open yourself to judgment, criticism, hurt, pain etc.  I found myself doing most of this to myself as to mitigate what I assumed would be given by the world.  The false belief that if we can "predict" what people will say or do, we will better know how to be and do around them.

Most of our greatest loves and lessons come through relationships.  I thought I had done "good" job with insulating myself and keeping my heart "safe", however I was jolted into reality when my new work and personal relationships began to expose how the self talk that was supposed to be helping me stay safe was actually harming me and those around me.  The more I talked to protect myself, the more I pushed people away/isolated myself.  What had worked to keep me "safe from the world (or the world I had created) when I was younger, no longer worked.  It now worked against me., essentially pushing people away/isolating myself.  What had worked to keep me safe from the world or the world I had created when I was younger and living in the matrix, no longer worked.  It now worked against me.

Changing the way we think is a very hard process.  It's like breaking a bad habit times ten.  But EVERYTHING begins in our mind.  No thing, no life, no relationship can manifest if we first don't think on it first.

So who am I?  Who am I in and to this world?  Well, it all begins with who I think I am.  I can't lie, some days I think I'm imperfectly perfect and passionate and smart and loving and a hard worker who can take over the world.  And other days, I'm a scared little girl trying to figure out who the enemy is and why they are after me.  Sometimes I face the world as it is and sometimes I'm in my matrix.  The enemy has realized that nothing in this world will break me...been through too much.  He knows if he can keep me focused on negative self-talk about what I believe about myself and what others feel/believe about me, then he can keep me stagnant.  No bueno!

I can tell you what I've started doing...feeding myself the same thoughts I feed the world, whether that's music, quotes, bible verses or reminding myself of the words from those who love me.  Slowly but surely my thoughts are my priority until I can fully trust my positive thoughts just as much as I trusted the negative ones.

Update (12.22.16):  If I can stick to my blogging, you will become reacquainted with my tendency to continuing thinking and updating post as I acquire more knowledge and understanding about the experience I expressed in the post.  This is one of those times.
Today my bible reading plan highlighted Matthew 12.  It is particularly fitting for this post as it speaks about you can only produce what is in you.  I am including three versions that spoke to my heart:

• “Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for tree is recognized by its fruit.” (v 33)
• “A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him.” (v35)
• “For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.” (v37)

As you read in the post, I have learned that what I allow in me is what will come out of me. However, I seek my understanding from God and not my own.  That has not gotten me very far.  With my education (via life experience), I will seek God for revelation.

All that to say, these verses confirm my understanding of how my thinking (what I am adding to myself), has manifested in my life.   My thinking was not only damaging me but I believe I was manifesting my thought into reality (self-fulfilling prophesy).  I was condemning myself.  Not only do I want the world to recognize who I am authentically, I want to recognize who I am.  I am good.  I am caring.  I am smart.  I am protective.  I am stubborn.  I am no nonsense.  I am loving.  I am giving. I am nurturing.  I am God.  I am me and I am ok.

Focused on the wrong Shhhhhh!

Goodness!  I can't believe it has been three years since I wrote a post!  Wow!  The ebb and flow of life!

Thanks to one of my Sistafriends who recently discovered my old blog post, I'm back again for the first time!  I think that's someone's song or title of a song but I digress.

So much has happened in the time I've been away.  Maybe I will reveal parts and pieces throughout this and future post...not explicitly though.  I'm not the autobiographical type.  For those who know me or have been reading my post from the past, know i am an open book when it comes to revealing truths.  I always start with me...meaning my post are more epiphanies I've had or am having as I live, learn and love through this life.  I shared because I'm a giver and encourager.  If I'm honest/authentic without myself and chose to share then I will give you my truth as well, no matter how vulnerable it makes me.  Again digressing.  It's been so long, I feel like I have to reintroduce myself...now that's Jay-Z.  Love him.

So this year I've been focusing more on being authentically me and with that have come some spring times (newest, growth, blossoms, freshness) and some winter (cold, death, stillness).  One of the main things I've learned ( or been reminded of) is that life and lessons are cyclical.  Just when you think you've mastered an area, like a video game or the changing of seasons, a new level/season of learning happens.  It has been a long time coming for me to focus on me.  I've always been one to focus my energies on other people.  I was built to support others, be a giver, encourager, motivator, to discern needs and either give it or facilitate the need being fulfilled.  When I was younger, I used these gifts for bad in that I was a people pleaser.  I believed if I did and was what others wanted, they in turn would love me.  Of course, You get hurt a lot doing that because love is not garnered that way.  So I learned over time that I'm worthy of love no matter what and that being a giver/pouring into others is not a bad thing as long as I'm pouring into myself as well.  I learned that as long as I am being my authentic self and giving because that is what I was made for and not for validation, I would be at peace.

Now I know you're probably thinking, ok what does this have to do with the title of this post because that's what you should be focused on right?  Well yes but here's the thing...in my quest for authenticity and attempting to be and live my truths, I made the mistake of assuming I had mastered the concept of being a giver/pouring into others is not a bad thing as long as I'm pouring into myself as well.  I recently found myself getting drained from giving and I didn't know why.  I was having those old school feelings of worthlessness and unworthiness.  I couldn't understand what the issue was and I wouldn't let my mind think it was an issue I had "checked off" the issues list.  I'm a checklist, no gray area type of person.  As much as I can, I like to put things in their "order".  Helps me make sense of the world and people.  This blessing/curse is why I believed I had checked giver issue off the list.  Hey I recognized the issue and I had put it into practice, right?  I'm good, right?  I chuckle as I type this because it seemed so logical at the time...and the fact that I thought it would be logical is even funnier...digression. 

What I recently realized is I was way too focused on the big picture issue and not the small behaviors that caused me to fail miserably when faced with giver issue again.  I love to listen to my friends talk... I learn so much about them and I honestly get most of my epiphanies about my life from listening.  One of friends recently was talking about work and his employees.  I can't remember the scenario exactly but he ended up telling an employee that they were way too focused in the wrong shit and that's why they can't learn what he was attempting to show them.  He'd said that phrase "focused on the wrong shit" many other times before but this time it resonated with me.

One of my small behaviors was my thinking...the simple thoughts I spoke to myself all day, everyday about who I was and who I was to this world.  Now I'm focus on the root issue and not my response to the world...see my post entitled Working on it.  It will make more sense 😊.  Random but no longer preventing myself from being vulnerable in this world.

"Where the fruit is" post text

Because I like to keep my writing to reflect and want to be more diligent with keeping them in one location (I originally had it hyperlinked to the site but Jen has since revamped her site and I can't find the link), I am posting the text of the message I wrote and referenced in Where the fruit (the good stuff) is post.  So not really a new post for those who get notifications *sorry* but maybe you will enjoy reading it again :-).

Where the fruit is…  The title comes from a quote I recently added to my physical and mental motivation wall. 

“Don’t be afraid to go out on a limb.  That’s where the fruit is” ~ H. Jackson Browne. 

I love quotes/scriptures/words of wisdom as they serve as a motivation for me.  In my office, I have sticky notes and papers posted in various places with messages that serve as inspiration for me.  Once memorized, they become a part of my mental motivation wall.  These messages keep perception clear as I often let my fears get the best of me.  Fear of what…fear of the unknown, fear of failure, and fear of being a disappointment (to whom?  I have no idea) etc.  What I found out is that fear itself is not a negative emotion; it is what we do with that fear or how we allow that fear to motivate us that creates the negativity.

When I started my blog in November, I literally just typed.  I had “planned” to do a lot more research and informational interviews prior to starting it to ensure that I had everything in order.  I realized that my fear was motivation for my needing to have things in “order” prior to starting my blog.  Those fears I listed above and others.  I was using my wanting things in order (my fears in disguise) as a crutch for moving forward.  So on November 22, I just decided that I would begin.  I would still conduct research, review and follow blogs that I really loved and glean tips from them.  I would still consult with others who have written blogs and gather thoughts about how to move forward.  However, it was important for me to allow my fear to motivate me to action as opposed to stagnation.

“You don’t drown by falling in the water; you drown by staying there” ~ Edwin Louis Cole

Fear is as natural as breathing; however we must change our mind about fear.  Overcoming fear is simply using it as a motivator and not as an oppressor.  No matter what your faith/spiritual tradition, each one has a concept about how our thoughts become our perception and our perception then becomes our reality.  One of my favorite messages is “all that we are is the result of what we have thought.  The mind is everything.  What we think we become”(Buddha). What we think we become!  It is really in how we “think about” our fears.  It is extremely scary to go out on a “limb” whatever that limb is, however if our mind is set on the fruit as opposed to the fear we have overcome so much already…why not go all the way?

You may not be a quote/message collector like me, however if you pay attention to the Universe and people around you, motivational messages can come from the unlikeliest of places.  While I was driving to work this morning, my five year old was musing about the rainy weather.  Out of the blue she focuses her attention to me and says “although the weather looks scary, I’m not afraid, you know why?  Because I know that this scary part will make puddles and when there are puddles I can wear my fairy rain boots and play and dance in them and not get my pants wet.  I can’t wait!”  This scary part will become puddles, which will allow her to wear her favorite boots and dance in the water.  Fear overcome, make way for puddles of fun!

Thanks Universe!  I will definitely be adding that to my motivational wall.  To overcome your fears, change your perception, your thinking, your mind and go where the fruit is!  I will meet you there! 

All things hold together

Up reflecting...today officially makes three years at my job.  I am overwhelmed a bit by the myriad of emotions I am feeling right now.   So much has happen in this time to me and those in my life between September 27, 2010 - September 27, 2013.  In that dash there lies so many seasons and transitions of life.  I thought of trying to list all the successes and failures, gains and losses, the happiness and heartache, but I wanted to get this down and not get lost in my attempt to think of everything.  I never could have imagined, wished or guessed but what I do know for certain, God is before all things and in God ALL things hold together.

The sermon my Pastor gave last Sunday still resonates so deeply with me.  He talked about Jacob and how Jacob held on to his brother Esau's heel during birth and was pulled from womb via his brother.  And how Jacob held on to and wrestled with the angel while saying he wouldn't let go until he was blessed.  

I didn't know I would be writing this post in the wee hours of the morning when I heard the message on Sunday, but these past three years have been like Jacob's story.  Selah.  There have been times when, like Jacob with his brother's heel, I've held on to God and/or the support of my friends and family as I gone through difficult transitions but didn't have the strength, confidence, knowledge or faith to "birth" myself through the situation.  As I held on, they pulled me through!   There have been times, like Jacob with the angel, where I had unshakeable faith to hold on because I knew God's purpose and plan for me and those in my life and was willing, no matter what, to "wrestle" until that blessing manifested for me or for them.

One of my favorite songs is India Arie's "God is Real" (all of her songs are my favorites #granoladiva).  She's reflecting on all the wonders of life and nature and the chorus repeats, "That's how I know God is real/all of this is not by chance".  Sometimes we need to take time away from the present situation and be reminded that God is real and in Him all things HOLD together.

I'm not sure what is in store tomorrow or the next three years, but I am firm in my belief that I have been given and will be given everything I need to do what I am purposed to do.  Although each day may not be the best and at times I may fall short, I know to hold on.