Waiting for hope...

I thought I was clinically depressed.  I put on my daily mask and tried to not spew negativity on those around me.  I drank an extra glass of wine or herbal remedies to sleep and not be anxious.  The thought of being depressed made me feel more depressed.  My life has changed and continues to change and honestly, I didn't/don't like it.  It's inconvenient on the surface, but what people don't realize is that change, positive or negative, not only affects you physically, mentally and emotionally, but also chemically.  My change/changing is not necessarily positive but not negative either but it has taken the life and comfort I had known and turned it upside down kinda like tilling land before seeds are planted #Selah.

This vague and ambiguous space made me feel depressed.  I didn't want to feel, or party, or hang out or be around people (more so than normal lol).  I just didn't period.  Sounds like depression.  So if I'm not depressed, then what?  I hear you asking voices in my head.  I've realized that my peace for the past 13 years was predicated on doing everything in my power to create certainty, security and firm ground.  Needless to say, I don't have any of that now.  I am starting over in every way except my career.  COMPLETELY OVER!  

My mind, body and soul have been at complete war attempting to hang on or find any sense of certainty, security and firm ground.   This war is what I interpreted as depression.  The war was causing me to lose parts of me ...my Polly-Anna, my hope above all hope, my faith through fear.  I felt myself going more and more into myself...dying in every way...

Here's the kicker, I was actually causing this war within myself.  I was killing me by trying to fight for control when how I got to this upheaved place was the realization that my need for certainty and security had lead me to make some decisions that keep me "safe" but weren't authentic ones and didn't fit into the woman I am becoming.  #childhoodissues #lifelongprocess damn it!

So as of today, I'm done fighting.  I'm exhausted honestly.  Each day, I will work diligently to release, close my eyes and step.  One step, one day at a time.  I won't be successful some days, this I know.  I'm being tilled, turned inside out so that the better me is exposed and new seeds can be planted, nurtured and grow.  Cannot get there without the tilling.  I just keep reminding myself that this all is a process and I will wait with hope, for hope.  I will forgive myself and give myself grace.  This is not a sit and wait thing because there are things I need to do to move forward but I will not rush the process in an aggressive search for false peace.  True peace comes when you find contentment in your current circumstances no matter what those circumstances are.

Stepping and waiting for hope.  Becoming content with the tilling, #kickingandscreaming 😫😒🤗

Road Less Traveled

Today I made a move that is the road less traveled.  It won't be the popular choice or the most understood by others.  I have mixed emotions about this move but it was one that I needed to make none the less.  As I reflect, I recognize there have been moments in my life where every part of me wanted to stay safe, stay comfortable, go with the familiar or comfortable option.  Not only the option that will keep me safe but will also not hurt, disrupt, anger, irritate others.  It is in those moments when something, probably God, propelled me forward anyway.  This time I decided.  I decided to make a move that I feel is best for me. Am I terrified? Beyond anything I can describe.  Do I have any part of the moment and future figured out?  No at all.  The only thing I know is there was a choice to be made and I made it.  I fully own the choice.  And for the first time in my life, I've made peace with the fact that only I matter in the choosing.  The choice was mine to make and I made it.  This day, or should I say this epiphany, reminds me of the Robert Frost poem, The Road Not Taken.  As I came upon the choice it was as if "two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and sorry I could not travel both...".  As I do with most difficult decisions "and be one traveler, long I stood and looked down one as far as I could to where it bent in the undergrowth".  Not really wanting to make the choice at all.  But none the less "and I - I took the one less traveled by" and I know it will make all the difference! Selah Ashe

Cars and relationship...

Relationships are crazy and awesome all at the same time.  I often say and probably have mentioned in this blog a time or two that our greatest lessons in life are learned via relationships.  So while talking to my son about relationships, I remembered my experience with my first car.  I love analogies and surprisingly he caught the connection.  I was like hell, let me share it in a blog, maybe it will resonate with others ☺.

The first car I ever purchased was a 1995 Saturn.  It was white in fairly good condition.  After I slide into a car and the front left side of the hood became dented, I lovingly named it Ice Grill.  The front looked like it was giving some one the stank face...lol.  

I loved that car!  It gave me a since of independence and freedom, I hadn't felt before.  Although I loved that car, I ran it into the ground and didn't do much in the maintenance area.  Although, I didn't take care of the car, it lasted for about four years.  When I realized, I was causation for it not lasting 10 years, I was determined to one - get another Saturn and two - do what it takes to take care of it.

I now own a Saturn Vue, which is actually my third Saturn.  I took such good care of my second Saturn, I was able to trade it in and get the Saturn Vue.  The Vue is in such good condition, that I gave it away.  Saturn no longer makes cars so now I have a Toyota, which I love.

Get to the point!  Ok ok.  I really didn't know what it took to take care of a car.  I did the best I could with the information I knew.  With that being said, it was inevitable that the car would not last because I wasn't caring for the car the way I should even though I was doing the best I knew.  The key was I learned from my first Saturn how I should care for a car to ensure it last.  I learned what a car needs to be sustained over a lifetime.  Kinda works the same way in relationships.  Each relationship is different, however there are fundamental elements that are needed to sustain them over a lifetime.  We must take the time to learn what those are and DO those things.

And if by chance there were things you didn't know and the relationship doesn't last, that's ok.  Learn from it and move forward to do and be better.

Seems simple enough but you'd be surprised how many people don't do research prior to buying a car, let alone prior to getting into a relationship.  

Learn and do the maintenance to self and your relationships.  Although we can't predict if a relationship (or car) will last, if you're doing all you can to care for your relationship, the likelihood is exponentially greater.  We should decide to be intentional about the relationship agreements (like a contract) we commit to and with that agreement we must commit to doing our best.

When you know better, you should do better.