I woke up this morning at about 5 ish realizing I had been like the waves mentioned in James 1:6-8. Not only had I not been exercising my faith, BUT I had not even asked!
There are ALOT of impending transitions at my job, ALOT of speculation, not enough and too much communication going on which makes for a recovering worry wart's, an over-analysis paralysis sufferer's, an ambiguity phobe's worst NIGHTMARE (dramatics intended...can you feel my soul screaming? A scream is welling up in my chest now...LOL 1...2...3...Breathe). All the "advice" I share with others about faith, I had failed to even ask, let alone BELIEVE in this situation.
On my growth quest, I am learning not to BE or LIVE constantly in the story of my past: growing up with no connections and not really belonging anywhere or with anyone. Instead, I am learning to grow and learn from those experiences, helping myself and others. The FIRST lesson in that journey is to REMEMBER HOW and WHAT God has brought you through as well as WHERE He has brought you to. I failed to remember and apply it to this situation.
It shouldn't matter what others are or are not doing in the situation MY faith should be with Him. However, I let my emotions, attitude and voice be "blown and tossed" like a doggon wave!
I became angry and then sad at myself. How did I allow that to happen? I feel like David and his many times of apologizing and seeking mercy/forgiveness from God. I apologized that I had truly missed Him in all this. How did I miss Him? I am still trying to fully understand it in order to recognize and not repeat in the future but I think this situation was a "trigger".
As I mentioned, I am a recovering ambiguity phobe (among other things), which stems from the ambiguity of my childhood. Certainty = safety (falsely) for me (working on this). So ANY situation the produces too much ambiguity drudges up "unsafe emotions" for me that I have to actively and aggressively fight against. BUT, I must first recognize it as such, which as I grow I have learned (and obviously still learning*smile*) to do.
I recognized it when our office was told in September that some "changes" would happen. I wavered (but didn't fall) when December came and there was not much nor effective communication. Oh, but add in some transitions of staff, the "issues" of those in leadership, random speculation and TIME and I forgot about HIM. The saddest thing for me is that I THOUGHT I was focusing on Him but I really was not. I was saying it, but not practicing it. (Similarly to the seeds in the Parable of the Sower - specifically the seeds thrown amongst the rocks Matthew 13).
Instead of "leaning into" the confusion and leaning on what He has always done for me and BELIEVING beyond what I SAW happening, I gave into it. I allowed my emotions (waves) to be tossed by my conditions (winds).
Soooo now I am settling my waves. Focusing on my Compass, my Rock, my Faith. I am "leaning into" the ambiguity and leaning on my Clarity (for me that is God).
I will no longer blame others or the situations for how I am allowing them to make me feel/react. I own it! This situation no longer has control. The Uni-verse/God DOES!
I have this verse posted on a sticky note in my office "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters"~Colossians 3:23 with a note REMEMBER YOU WORK FOR HIM NOT THEM! I had that versus posted at my old job and reposted it as a reminder...for such a time as this! What an analogy - God is as close to me as that sticky note yet I missed it/Him until this morning. I get it God!
We must make an effort to find our Center/our Source even when everything around us is tossing us! Fight to cling to/get to/reconnect with YOUR Source, which is NOT found in the situation or person that is causing you to be tossed.
Although I am mad and sad at myself, I know He has forgiven me and I will forgive myself. I will lean into the chaos/uncertainty and lean on what has been certain in my life. I get it now God!
Selah!
Love the honesty and introspection of your post. The mad & sad at your Self feels like a place I found myself this very morning. As I sat in meditation, to what became a prayer, and a full out chat & cry with God, I was reminded to (1) forgive myself my own judgment of me, that I should be better; (2) to remember that at each new, higher level of our growth we are given the opportunity to revisit a lesson so that the knowingness of that is deeply embedded within our spirit (no need to think & recall); and (3) you are not where you were and, although this looks similar, this is an entirely new place for you AND all the players and circumstances have changed. Sounds like you came to a similar conclusion! You've been encouragement on my recent journey and it is a pleasure to follow along and see you bear witness to similar flowering of faith on your path. Wishing you love & light and prosperity in all forms. --t. (@speakwritelove)
ReplyDeleteThank you for your words. I am new at the blog thing but I know im called to share and grow for/with others. The feeling is mutual about seeing you as an inspiration. I love your transparency...so refreshing. As I work to be authentically me, I am attracted to others who are doing the same. Thank YOU for being authentic with the world and for connecting with me.
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