Waiting for hope...

I thought I was clinically depressed.  I put on my daily mask and tried to not spew negativity on those around me.  I drank an extra glass of wine or herbal remedies to sleep and not be anxious.  The thought of being depressed made me feel more depressed.  My life has changed and continues to change and honestly, I didn't/don't like it.  It's inconvenient on the surface, but what people don't realize is that change, positive or negative, not only affects you physically, mentally and emotionally, but also chemically.  My change/changing is not necessarily positive but not negative either but it has taken the life and comfort I had known and turned it upside down kinda like tilling land before seeds are planted #Selah.

This vague and ambiguous space made me feel depressed.  I didn't want to feel, or party, or hang out or be around people (more so than normal lol).  I just didn't period.  Sounds like depression.  So if I'm not depressed, then what?  I hear you asking voices in my head.  I've realized that my peace for the past 13 years was predicated on doing everything in my power to create certainty, security and firm ground.  Needless to say, I don't have any of that now.  I am starting over in every way except my career.  COMPLETELY OVER!  

My mind, body and soul have been at complete war attempting to hang on or find any sense of certainty, security and firm ground.   This war is what I interpreted as depression.  The war was causing me to lose parts of me ...my Polly-Anna, my hope above all hope, my faith through fear.  I felt myself going more and more into myself...dying in every way...

Here's the kicker, I was actually causing this war within myself.  I was killing me by trying to fight for control when how I got to this upheaved place was the realization that my need for certainty and security had lead me to make some decisions that keep me "safe" but weren't authentic ones and didn't fit into the woman I am becoming.  #childhoodissues #lifelongprocess damn it!

So as of today, I'm done fighting.  I'm exhausted honestly.  Each day, I will work diligently to release, close my eyes and step.  One step, one day at a time.  I won't be successful some days, this I know.  I'm being tilled, turned inside out so that the better me is exposed and new seeds can be planted, nurtured and grow.  Cannot get there without the tilling.  I just keep reminding myself that this all is a process and I will wait with hope, for hope.  I will forgive myself and give myself grace.  This is not a sit and wait thing because there are things I need to do to move forward but I will not rush the process in an aggressive search for false peace.  True peace comes when you find contentment in your current circumstances no matter what those circumstances are.

Stepping and waiting for hope.  Becoming content with the tilling, #kickingandscreaming 😫😒🤗